by Neil Tobias
Well, City Paper's Best of Baltimore came out this week, and I didn't win "best cup of coffee"...AGAIN!!!! FUCK THE DAILY GRIND!!!! I am throwing in my hat early for next year's Best of Baltimore. PLEASE VOTE FOR ME AS BEST CUP OF COFFEE!!!!! I HAVE TO WIN THIS TO PROVE SOMETHING TO SOMEBODY WHO SAID I WASN'T THE BEST CUP OF COFFEE!!! IT WOULD BE COOL EVEN IF I WIN IN THAT WORTHLESS READERS POLL THAT THINKS KELLY BELL IS THE BEST BAND EVERY FUCKING YEAR!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS, BUT I AM OFFICIALLY CHALLENGING KELLY TO A BATTLE OF THE BANDS AGAINST MY BAND "STAB PATROL." IF WE WIN SHE HAS TO MAKE OUT WITH ME!!! IF SHE WINS... SHE WON'T WIN!!!!!!!!!!!
I am getting tired of ripping on Two if By Sea so I am thinking about stopping. Let me know if you guys want me to keep doing it or not. It was cool for a while, but I don't think they are going to take Stab Patrol up on our battle of the bands challenge. Also, I feel like it is unfair to constantly bash them since they all seem pretty lame (not Chuck). That note that they may have left (http://www.flickr.com/photos/sugarfreak/1072088426/) was kind of sad, and it made me feel very "non-boner-ish." I think I'll let it go... BUT IF YOU KNOW ANY OF THEM THEN PLEASE TELL THEM TO RECONSIDER AND CHALLENGE STAB PATROL TO A BATTLE OF THE BANDS!!! TELL THEM THAT IT IS OKAY TO HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR IN ROCK MUSIC AND THAT THEIR "FANS" DON'T ACTUALLY BUY ANY OF THAT BROODING, MIDDLE AGED ANGST BULLSHIT!!! TELL THEM TO LISTEN TO MORE SMASH MOUTH!!! THOSE GUYS HAVE GOT THE RIGHT IDEA, AND THEY ARE ACTUALLY NICE GUYS!! MAYBE ONE DAY TWO IF BY SEA CAN COVER A MONKEE'S SONG FOR A PIXAR MOVIE!!!! YOU GUYS HAVE TO BREAK FREE FROM THE CLICHES THAT BIND YOU!!! LET ME BREAK THOSE CHAINS AND GIVE YOU THE POT!!!!!
I have nothing else to say. If anybody has an extra ticket to the Best of Baltimore party then I'd really like to go. I had a really good time the last couple years I went, but I was dating a girl who invited me. Her and I broke up because she couldn't handle how awesome I am and so she left without telling me. I guess she couldn't face my awesomeness. If you have an extra ticket for PUNJAB then he would probably blow you or something. If you do want Punjab to go (and i don't recommend it because he is an obnoxious drunk) you should deliver it to him as "the tickle monster." He will get all giddy and probably piss all over himself. FYI: When he begs you to stop tickling him...DON'T!!!!! He gets all whiny. Wait until he says the safe word: BABA BOOEY.
My name is Neil Tobias. This column is all about playing in a rock band and LIFTING WEIGHTS!! I also have Hepatitis C . I am new in town so please excuse me if I don't pronounce all your counties correctly. I will always however PRONOUNCE THE TRUTH CORRECTLY!