by Neil Tobias
I'm trying to get the "Ass Army" off the ground and need to hook up with some people who can make a decent t-shirt. I also need officers and someone who can pick up chicks without a lot of hassle.
I've gotten some mixed feedback as far as continuing to critique Two If By Sea. As an inspiring journalist, I am having a serious ethical dilema and am not sure what to do. In many ways, I want to talk about my body more. I haven't really said much in the last couple months about my work outs, and I don't want to give details, but let's just say that if a member of Two if by Sea saw my abs he would try to drink them (and then start a fight he would never win).
I also want to get more serious about Stab Patrol and start playing more. I realize that I need to get more "politically minded" if I am going to play more in Baltimore and I NEED to start kissing the ass of bands that I don't like, but nonetheless could hook me up with Clutch gigs (by "Clutch" I mean possibly opening for the band Clutch).
So I would like to start a clean slate and begin opening for some decent local bands. I want to start by sending an open letter to all local bands:
Dear Local Band,
I saw you guys the other night and you had a great set!! You guys are tight as hell!! We are currently looking to set up some concerts and we don't want to put forth the effort of setting them up, so we are hoping that the next time you set up a concert you could ask Stab Patrol to play with you. You guys have a great sound and I think it would make for a great bill. I can bring one hundred fans to the concert, unless something else is happening in town that night and then I will blame it on that.
Thanks, my new favorite band,
Cross your fingers, Stab Patol fans. WE ARE READY TO MAKE THIS PARTY LEGENDARY... EVEN IN OUR OWN PANTS!! STAB PATROL WILL MAKE THIS TOWN FAMOUS AND PEOPLE FROM NEW YORK WILL FINALLY STOP LAUGHING AT US!!!!! I WILL MAKE BROOKLYN, BALTIMORE JUST LIKE BROOKLYN, NEW YORK EXCEPT WITHOUT THE CULTURE, ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE OR RETAIL OPTIONS.
I LOVE MY BAND AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF THAT MAKES ME EGOTISTICAL!!! STAB PATROL IS TRUE "BODY ROCK" AND NOBODY IN BALTIMORE DOES BODY ROCK!!! NOBODY IN THIS COUNTRY DOES BODY ROCK (except for "Lux") AND WE WANT TO MAKE BALTIMORE KNOWN AS "BODYMORE" AND WE WANT TO MAKE BODY ROCK THE NEW SOUND FOR THE CHILDREN!!! IT'S MUSIC ABOUT ROCKING HARD AND BEING ROCK HARD!!! ABOUT TRAINING AS HARD AS YOU PRACTICE AND PRACTICING AS HARD AS YOU TRAIN!!!!
GO RAVENS!!!!!!!!!!CCCCCAAAWWW!!! CAAAAAAAAAAWWWW!!!! STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAB PATROOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!
My name is Neil Tobias. This column is all about playing in a rock band and LIFTING WEIGHTS!! I also have Hepatitis C . I am new in town so please excuse me if I don't pronounce all your counties correctly. I will always however PRONOUNCE THE TRUTH CORRECTLY!