by Benn Ray
The following is The Story of Christmas I told my nieces and nephew on Christmas Day.
Roughly 2000 years ago, the Little Baby Jesus was born.
He was then trained by 12 ninja and The Invisible Wizard to become the greatest zombie fighter the world had ever seen.
But just when he was about to completely rid the world of the zombies and defeat the forces that control them, he was betrayed by one of the 12 ninja - his best friend who was blackmailed with a gay sex scandal.
The mysterious forces who caused the zombies to rise up killed Jesus for foiling their plans and wiping out their army of undead.
But right before he died, his girlfriend, a former sex worker turned healer, put a spell on him with the help of The Invisible Wizard - the spell of "In Order To Truly Defeat Thy Enemy You Must Become Him". And three days after he "died," when the bad guys we no longer paying attention - basking in their imaginary victory and scheming to bring forth more zombies to populate the world, Jesus woke back up.
They had a good-bye dance, Jesus was an awesome dancer, and then he flew off into the stars like Luke Skywalker seeking out Yoda to complete his training and (unlike Luke) to learn how to master his newfound hunger for brains.
Since that day, the evil mysterious forces - we know them today as Republicans and sometimes Evangelicals - have been trying desperately to make conditions right - through free market capitalism, pollution, chemicals, global warming and prevention of universal healthcare - to bring back their zombie army.
When the dead rise back up - it has been prophesized - Astronaut Jesus will return from the stars in his spaceship called "The Rapture" and defeat the zombies, Republicans and Evangelicals once and for all.
When that happens, the name of Earth will be changed to Heaven, and there will be another dance where Jesus will teach everyone his intergalactic dance moves before flying off into space again.