by Neil Tobias
I’M BACK, ASSES!! IF YOU’VE BEEN TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME THEN IT’S TIME TO TELL ME!!!
I stared at myself in the mirror today for ONE HOUR!!!! It took about two hours to talk my boner down—I had to think about Jason Dove in order to become limp and REGAIN MY FLACIDITY!!! THANKS, BRAH!!!!
So as I stared into the mirror I realized a few things:
1) I am an extremely handsome man
2) I wish I could build more muscle in my face
3) My capacity for self-consciousness is a profound feature of being a human being, BUT IT HAS THE DISTRACTING SIDE-EFFECT OF OBSCURING THE FLOWING TEMPORAL REALITY OF CONSCIOUSNESS!!!!!! MY ESSENTIAL DEPTH IS FLUCTUATING AND FLOWING RATHER THAN STATIC AND AVAILABLE FOR OBSERVATION!!! WTF??!?!?LOL!!!! :-p!!!
MATHEMATICAL THINKING IS A STYLE OF SYMBOLIC THINKING WHICH PROVIDES ONLY A RELATIVE KNOWLEDGE!!!
NEIL TOBIAS’ GREATNESS IS NOT RELATIVE!!! IT IS ABSOLUTE AND UNIVERSAL!!! IT CAN NOT BE OBSERVED OR MEASURED BY SCIENCE OR MATHEMATICS!! Relative knowledge of Neil Tobias is achieved by standing outside of him and making observations that are contingent on the viewpoint taken or the symbols used. Absolute knowledge of Neil Tobias requires an intuitive knowledge—an understanding in which one is transported to the interior of Neil Tobias in order to coincide with that which is unique and inexpressible about Neil Tobias. THIS MEANS YOU HAVE TO ENTER NEIL TOBIAS!!! ARE YOU READY TO ENTER NEIL TOBIAS AND KNOW HIS ABSOLUTE GREATNESS?!?!!?? Or for you Shank readers: IS YOU READY?!?!?!?!
ENTER NEIL TOBIAS AND LET HIM ENTER YOU, AND TOGETHER WE WILL BEGIN A NEW CHAPTER AND CREATE A FANTASY WORLD OF DRAGONS AND TROUSER SNAKES, AND GNOMES THAT WILL ASK US RIDDLES IN ORDER TO CROSS THE BRIDGE INTO NEIL TOBIAS’ PANTS!!!!
NEIL TOBIAS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU AND I AM ESPECIALLY TALKING TO ALL OF YOU WHO JUST DISCOVERED COCAINE!!!!! COKEHEADS ARE CLICHÉ AND AS AN ARTIST YOU SHOULD CONSTANTLY BE STRUGGLING AGAINST CLICHES!!! DO LESS COCAINE AND MORE CARDIO!!!
PLEASE ALL OF YOU: QUIT YOUR BANDS AND TRY TO HELP PEOPLE!!! ALL OF THE “TALENT” YOU WASTE ON BEING CLICHÉ COULD BE USED TO BUILD A HOUSE FOR A HOMELESS MINORITY FAMILY!!! VOLUNTEERING IS NOT CLICHÉ!!! JUST BECAUSE JOY DIVISION DIDN’T VOLUNTEER, IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU CAN’T THINK FOR YOURSELF. IT WOULD BE SOOOOOOOOOOOOO “PUNK ROCK, BRAH!!!!” YOU CAN EVEN MAKE A LOGO AND A T-SHIRT FOR YOUR VOLUNTEER GROUP, BUT BE PREPARED TO NOT GET ANY ASS!!!!
Chicks are not that into volunteers--they aren’t dangerous enough. SO IF YOU WANT TO DO COCAINE THEN AT LEAST START A NEIGHBORHOOD GARDEN!!! PUT THAT ENERGY TO USE AND MAYBE GET LAID!!! You can be like “Hey, hottie. Want to get drunk and do the neighborhood watch with me and the boys? Then we are going to get our swerve on at a coke party at the home of a fatherless kid that we are ‘big brothering’.” THAT IS TRULY PUNK ROCK, YOU UGLY WANNABE ROCK STARS!!!!!
FYI: WHEN I SAY VOLUNTEER, I’M MAINLY TALKING ABOUT VOLUNTEERING FOR THE “ASS ARMY”, BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO GO TO THE LO-FI SOCIAL CLUB AND RECRUIT THAT ASS, ASS!!!!! ASS ARMY IS STILL SMOOTH UP IN YA!!!
My name is Neil Tobias. This column is all about playing in a rock band and LIFTING WEIGHTS!! I also have Hepatitis C . I am new in town so please excuse me if I don't pronounce all your counties correctly. I will always however PRONOUNCE THE TRUTH CORRECTLY!