American Standard: Jukeboxing Bars

by Benn Ray

I have an extraordinarily high threshold for annoying music. In fact, I kind of like it.

To give you an idea, a friend once bet me I couldn't sit through Lou Reed's "Sister Ray" played 5 times in a row without killing myself, and, well, I'm typing this now, aren't I?

Back when Fletchers over in Fells Point used to book bands I'd actually want to see, I used to go there frequently. I'd hang out at the downstairs bar and drink until showtime, then I'd go upstairs and see whatever band I was there to see. It was a pretty good set up.

However, the annoying thing about Fletchers is that it's located in Fells Point. So if I was seeing a band on a Friday or Saturday night, the bar would rapidly fill up with annoying Fells Point chowder heads.

By my rationale, since they were annoying me, and I enjoyed annoying music, I should at least try to annoy them back by finding the most grating, uncool, lamest, and irritating songs on the jukebox and play them. Now, there is a big difference between what I mean by annoying music and what chowder heads mean by annoying music. And in many instances, the songs I played I actually really enjoyed, but I selected them simply because I thought the rest of the bar would not.

At Fletchers, this meant I would play Velvet Underground's "Heroin", Ween's "Buenos Tardes Amigo" and "Spinal Meningitis (Got Me Down)", Sonic Youth's "Mote", etc. Usually anything long, droning, and meandering, ridiculous or dischordant coming out of speakers turned up loud to compenstate for a bar packed with a weekend crowd would work. In fact, one of the best songs to turn a merry, fun bar into a funeral, I've found, is The Doors "The End." Really, there ought to be a law banning that song from jukeboxes.  But until there is, it's a great way to fuck with a crowd.

Worst case scenario, it annoys people. Best case scenario, it chases annoying people from a crowded bar. And the benefits of the best case scenario range from getting seats to making eat easier to get drinks.

Recently I was at a different bar in a different part of town. Going into the bar, I was fully prepared to be annoyed by the clientele, and sure enough, before I even got through the front door I was (drunken morons by the front door smoking who then scream in your face as you  try to enter will do that). In the back of my mind I figured I'd pump money into the jukebox and play the most annoying, aggravating songs that  the jukebox had to offer.

I was both thrilled and thrown off my game when I saw it was one of those fancy online jukeboxes that has access to thousands of songs - which of course means hundreds of ways to annoy.

So I did some experimenting, and here's what I found.

The bar seemed to love songs by NWA - they did get annoyed when I accidentally played a radio edit instead of an uncesored track and someone yelled, "Who's the pussy who played the edited version?" (The bar was very vocal and responsive to the jukebox selections, I was pleased to discover.)

Score: Bar: 1. Me: 0.

While the crowd loved NWA, they seemed to not at all appreciate Public Enemy, and someone yelled, "Who the fuck's playing this rap shit." That may have been after the Jay-Z songs I played too, I'm not sure. Either way. they liked NWA but not Public Enemy or Jay-Z which I find curious.

Score: Bar: 1. Me: 1.

Then I went to my old Fletchers tried and true, "Mote" by Sonic Youth but it seemed to have no impact. It's been almost a decade since I last played this song in Fletchers, so I chalk this up to the changing times.

Score: Bar: 2. Me: 1.

I paired Ween's "Buenos Tardes Amigos" with Bob Dylan's "Brownsville Girl", both lenghthy meandering, western epics that seemed to dull the bar. The crowd seemed to get restless and yawny.

Score: Bar: 2. Me: 2.

I tried some songs by Chicago and Steely Dan which everyone pretty much seemed to ignore.

Score: Bar: 3. Me: 2.

For fun I played Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" which everyone seemed to enjoy.

Score: Bar: 4. Me: 3.

Then I hit a double with The Velvet Underground's "Heroin" and Lou Reed's "Sister Ray" and I counted 6 people actually get up and leave the bar during "Sister Ray".

Score: Bar 4. Me 4.

With a tied score and the evening rapidly coming to a close, I debated playing The Doors' "The End" to try and break the tie, but as much as Kelly Clarkson was a win-win song, "The End" is a lose-lose song. It's a song you play and then run for it and try to get out of the bar before it comes on - a jukebox song bomb.

So I left with a tie score (having already had several other adventures in the bar that night), but I'm formulating a playlist for the next time I end up there that will drive everyone from the bar.

And hopefully, I won't have to rely on The Doors.

Suggestions?

Comments

[fordprefectajt]

"Alice's Restaurant"

[Groundskeeper]

In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida

[stevo]

1. revolution #9 by the beatles,
2. metal machine music, by lou reed, but i can't imagine anyone knowingly having this on a jukebox
3. just about anything by Capt. Beefhart
How about some Gregorian chants?

[Scott Palmer]

* Take on Me - Aha
* Through the Fire and Flames - DragonForce

[The Blob]

1 - Horrible place to see music, but they had (have?) decent pool tables downstairs and cetera. I saw the White Stripes there a few months before they broke, that sure can't happen again.
2 - If only they had one of the 30 - 40-minute versions of "Sister Ray" off those live VU records from the '60s you'd really be in business.
3 - They did have a Fela Kuti record on the jukebox for some reason, which I'd always play when shooting pool. Twenty-five cents for twenty-two minutes of music, and some folks are confused maybe but not too displeased, and eventually submit to the jam.
4 - Fells Point.