by Benn Ray
Introducing the Bmore Trash More Co-Coalition.
Baltimore is tired of these fancy-pants, busy bodies trying to tell us how to live, always trying to get us to clean up our shit, trying to shame us and our city.
Baltimore is sick of these people putting on airs, acting all like they're too good for a little litter. Pretending like an empty McDonald's bag or poop-loaded diaper balls or maybe a blood-stained mattress is too big a deal to just step over on their way to their fancy jobs.
Baltimore is over these people gentrifying the fuck out of us and then whining about our trash.
There are so many more important things to worry about than a little litter. Sure it may fuck up the Bay, but who cares about that shit. When was the last time you were out on a boat?
And crabs? They're just water spiders we tricked the tourists into eating.
Sure, more trash means more rats, but rats aren't hurting anybody.
That plague thing? It's a conspiracy. How do I know? Cuz I just posted a link to someone saying it was a conspiracy. On the internet.
Roaches? They may be creepy but they ain't hurting anyone. They're actually cleaner than people. How do I know that? Bam. Just posted another link to someplace on the internet.
Plus, Baltimore is like KNOWN for rats.
Seriously. For real. You'd think we're the only city to have a rodent infestation or something.
But people come here expecting to see 'em.
If we let these clean-freaks pick up all our trash, they're gonna chase away all the rats and disappoint our precious tourists. Then who's gonna buy those dumbass Balt Rat stickers?
See? A litter-free Baltimore is hostile to business.
So join the Bmore Trash More Co-Coalition in keeping Baltimore trashy by fighting to:
1. Legalizing illegal dumping
2. Removing all public trash cans
3. Fighting the bottle tax
4. Keeping convenience stores stocked with plastic bags
And whatever you do, don't join the Zero Litter Initiative on Facebook.