So, you lost.
And it seems like you lost big. Romney/Ryan lost. Republicans lost seats in the Senate. And while you didn't lose control of the House, you did lose seats there, too.
Obama got 332 electoral votes to Romney's 206. Nearly 61 million Americans (50.4%) voted for Obama. Only about 58 million Americans voted for Romney (48%).
Imagine what could have been had you fielded a serious candidate during your primaries instead of that collection of clowns.
Imagine if you had picked a candidate who didn't despise 47% of America.
Imagine if you had picked a candidate who actually believed in something. In anything.
Imagine if you had picked a candidate your own party didn't dislike.
And a lot of social conservative issues lost throughout the country - or, more precisely - a lot of progressive issues - same sex marriage, the Dream Act, marijuana legalization - won.
So you know what that means, right? The next four years are going to be socialism for everyone! You're probably going to have to gay-marry someone, someone's gonna get you high, and your hard-earned tax money might go to educating the child of an undocumented immigrant. Scary.
While the image of 4 years of a Homosexual Socialist Stoner Immigrant-Friendly Utopia freaks you the fuck out, take a moment to imagine what could have been... if only you hadn't picked Romney.
Pricks a bit, doesn't it? Trust me, I know. Remember John Kerry and Bush in 2004? I've been there.
But a lot of you are probably feeling pretty bad right about now. And judging by the unfortunte comments I'm seeing from Republicans on social media, you're pretty bristley about it.
Suck it up.
But you may want to pull out that can of "Irrational Clinton Hatred" y'all had on the deep freeze and let it thaw. Two terms of Hilary Clinton loom rather large.
Now you're going to be telling yourselves a lot of strange things in the upcoming weeks to explain why you lost because, well, as a party, you're not very good with self-reflection.
Just remember, Romney didn't lose because of Sandy.
He didn't lose because of changing demographics.
He didn't lose because of an improving economy.
He didn't lose because the color of his skin.
He didn't lose because of the liberal media.
He sure as hell didn't lose because he didn't have enough money.
Mitt Romney lost because the American voting public rejected his Republican ideas. Americans would rather elect a Socialist Kenyan Secret Muslim Gay than your candidate.
I know you. You're going to want to move further right. And you may. Just keep in mind that this isn't necessarily going to result in America moving further right. Most likely, you're going to keep losing elections because you're just going to seem crazier and crazier.
But at this point, you really shouldn't get too down about things because you didn't really lose all that much.
Sure, your Republican Pro-Rape Caucus was completely defeated, but you still control the House. And you still have more than 40 members in the Senate (enough to require a super majority to even get to vote on legislation under current rules). So that means y'all can just keep being as obstructionist as ever.
You may not like the gloating from the Democrats, but tough shit. You know you kind of deserve it because you never liked Romney to begin with. Not really.
But no one believes you when you complain about the gloating by calling for national unity.
Back in George W. Bush's first term, when I dared to question things like the wisdom of going to war with Iraq, it was people in your party who called me "unAmerican."
More than a few Republicans even pulled out the old standby (hackneyed though it is), "America, love it or leave it!" They were essentially telling me that I should leave my country because I wasn't, by their perverse standards, a real American. And when that was happening, I don't recall hearing any Republicans calling for unity.
Or how about back when W won reelection against Kerry with fewer electoral and popular votes than Obama just got re-elected with?
Remember what he did almost right away? He went on TV and declared he had a mandate. A fucking mandate! He had political capital and damn if he wasn't going to spend it right away (this should have been a clear indicator of his bad economic policies that would derail the nation) on dismantling social security.
And he blew through that political capital like pro-Republican Super PACs blowing through the majority of $1.5 billion in outside money. At the end, they, just like Bush, had nothing to show for it. You realize y'all are no longer the Party of Fiscal Responsibility, right? You lost that claim years ago.
But I don't recall hearing a Republican outcry for unity when Bush was proclaiming his pathetic mandate.
Take just a moment to suppose what might have happened had FOX New's Fantasyworld Forecast come to fruition.
Imagine what would be happening had Romney/Ryan won and Republicans regained the Senate. I don't think a single Republican would be using the words "country" and "unity" together in the same sentence as they demanded dismantling of healthcare/social security, as they passed laws outlawing abortion/birth control, lowered taxes on the rich and raised taxes on the working class.
Were Republicans seeking unity when they called the President of the United States a lazy, Kenyan, secret Muslim, Socialist, racist retard?
Look, we all see you for what you are now. We all know that Republicans don't want unity. You want Democrats to act like Republicans. And then, when Democrats do act like Republicans, you beat them up for it and move farther right.
And we're kind of tired of these Charlie Brown games. Your whining and griping and complaining may have worked on liberals years ago, but the world has changed. Liberalism has hanged.
So suck it up. Get used to the taunting. You know you deserve it. Plus, you can still prevent America from getting back on track. And who knows, with a little luck, you may even be able to drum up an impeachment. C'mon, that brought a little smile to your face, didn't it? Admit it.
Oh yeah, and stop talking about rape. You really aren't doing yourselves any favors.