by Steve Messick
2012 is over, we are less than a hundred years away from the future that the Rush album foretold, (now that the Mayans' prophesy has been deep-sixed). So, let's take this opportunity to take a thankful look back at the year that was-uz-uz-uz.
1. Mitt losing.
Thank fucking God! The only scary (but funny ironic thing) was that 47% of the voting population thought this ... this ... "Mitt" was capable of being anything more than an assistant manager of Staples, (and not a particularly cool one at that). I won't have to hear from chirpy li'l punk-ass beltway pundits how the "Libruls" just don't "get it." Marginal sanity, (even though Obama is effectively an '80s Republican) prevails.
3. The CFL.
With the Ravens fans being unbelievably spoiled bastards, and being indignant about not being a first seed, it's important to remember how many post-season starved towns are out there, just look at the fervor just south of us, where the owner finally found a truffle. It's also important to remember to be thankful for the CFL and the scare it put in the NFL to get Baltimore a team before they lost that market. If not for the CFL ???, we'd still be getting talks about demographics while Cleveland got a new team when Modell moved to L.A.
4. The O's in the playoffs!
Wow, what a season, gotta admit, I was doing a count down to 81 wins to snap the streak of consecutive losing seasons, all yours Pittsburgh!
5. The Westboro Baptists
Wha? Yep! I'm still not completely convinced they are not secretly gay rights advocates. They are the perfect foil! Tying homophobia to metaphorically pissing on the troops? No one on the left has ever done something like that in my lifetime, any conversation with someone that is against marriage equality starts out w/ the line, "look, I'm not one of those crazy Westboro Baptists...". Thank you hatuz!
6. The Teabaggers
Without these idiots the Senate would probably be Republican, and the Mittbot would be running things. So glad the 'baggers insist on having the otherwise middle of the road talkin' candidates parroting the insane right wing drivel in order to get through the primaries. Hey GOP, there's a lot of non-inspiring phony-ass, but sane-talking Dems that would have been beaten if you weren't forced into almost-rubbing-shit-in-your-hair crazy! Thanks, Teabaggers! Hilarious name and just more of the gift that keeps giving!
7. Aging Supreme Court Justices
We are very close to getting back a 5-4 sane majority, start sending Scalia cheesecakes, fancy nacho dip, and cigars, know what? fuck it! Send him percocets, bourbon, and hookers! As many as possible as fast as possible!
9. Atomic Books
Yeah, this sounds like sucking up, fine, but there are so many cool things that go on there, sponsored by them, etc., etc. Think how less cool Baltimore would be without it. We have a book store that stands up to any "cool" store anywhere.
10. My kids getting into D&D.
Sweet! It's a proven fact that one touch of a twenty-sided dice, means you won't get to kiss a girl for at least five years. I won't be a grandfather until at they're out of high school. Now if I can just get them into Star Trek.