Hollywood will be rolling out a new movie based on the Torah/Old Testament account of Noah and his attempt to avoid the ending of all land-based life from God's wrath. Spoiler Alert! I will be revealing the ending!
Naturally, this is a sensitive subject to many and the movie has already been banned in some countries at the behest of their religious leaders. As one Imam put it, "Really? They couldn't get a leading actor with more convincing emotional range? And look, we all l-u-v Sir Anthony Hopkins, but really, sad to say, he's just phoning it in at this point in his illustrious career. We refute this somnambulistic, obvious attempt at pandering to middle-Qatar and for another couple of weeks, will just re-watch the Lego movie." Those middle-eastern Imams, so cynical, so jaded.
Anyway, this was way back in Genesis, and God was new on the job regarding creating stuff, so he was understandably a little insecure, easily frustrated and prone to bouts of anger. Everything but the fish were pissing him off. Well, everything but the fish and Noah.
There was too much violence in the world, so naturally God decides to kill everybody. Makes sense to me. Sure, you might think, "Yeah, he could have snapped his fingers and had 'em all disappear, coulda snapped his fingers and had all of their arms drop off. Sure, you can still commit violence with no arms, but mostly it'd be walking around trying to kick each other in the ass, which might be kind of funny. God could have snapped his fingers and made them all nice." You could think those things, 'cos yer a no-good heathen that's goin' to hell. Us godly folk have no idea what you're talking about.
So anyway, long parable short, God tells the one guy Noah and his family to build an ark and put all the animals on it and then proceeds to turn on the sprinklers.
They then get to spend six months on a boat, basically shovlin' shit off the port bow, courtesy of the birds, the rhinos, the stegosaurouses. Throwing straw etc. at one end and then coming back a couple hours later to take care of it on the back end.
I'm curious to see if they adhere specifically to Biblical text, such as the last night of the rain when some sharks gained super intelligence and assaulted the ark with lasers. Knowing Hollywood, they'll probably just skip right over that part.
Finally, the water recedes and Noah, steps off the boat, builds an alter and makes a sacrifice unto the Lord, which is received with "sweet savour." After a good smitin' the Almighty luvs him some BBQ! But then, who doesn't?
Noah and the survivors go forth to repopulate the earth. The only one that screws it up is Noah's son Ham. He sees his father's nakedness, (I think there were pictures posted on the internet or sumthin') and is cursed by Noah. Astute students of religious text will note that this is a foreshadowing reference to the Dietary Laws of Leviticus, as the curse is passed on to Ham's sons, Crab, Shrimp, and Beefn'swiss.
This ends my serminatin' for now. I respect other peoples' interpretation of this very weighty, moral tale. Certainly good and just people can see things differently, and you are welcome to interpret it how you see fit. Just maybe later let me know how Satan's dick tastes.