by Steve Messick
There's a lot of new and expecting parents out there, and since my boys have reached the ripe ol' age of 15 and 13, still breathing, with most of their limbs in tact, I am proclaiming myself an expert. (Hey, at least I didn't put 'em in a box!)
For starters, video games? Critical! Especially First Person Shooter Games! Since half of non-scientist America thinks man-made global warming is a hoax, chances are those shooting skills will come in real handy, since food will be scarce and probably sooner than we'd all like to think about.
Okay, true, games like Doom did cause Columbine, I mean, you certainly didn't think it was guns?!
The tragedy at Columbine had nothing to do with easily accessible firearms (although it might have had something to do with those metal shooty things flying out of them really fast). No! Doom was to blame!
That, and parenting, you have to teach your kids it's all about timing! '90s cafeteria with food all around? Inappropriate. Bad, bad parents! 2030? When 30 people are fighting over the scrapin's of a refried bean can? Oh yeah! D'at's muh boys!
So, on a related topic, diet. I let my kids chew plastic at an early age. With any luck, their metabolism will mutate and they'll be able to gain nutrients from the massive amounts of discarded "silverware" and "china".
A good start, of course, is the bread at most fast food restaurants. I'm also reasonably certain the forward-thinking and civicly-minded folks at certain clown-themed burger joints are already contributing by the fact that their kids' meals never seem to decay.
What the hell? If we can suckle from other animals and call that one of the four basic food groups, then we can certainly introduce good ol' polyethylene terepthalate into our diets. We just need to get some really nice pamphlets and online ads, then get public school health classes to get on board, maybe some "faith-based" nutrition classes! Be sure and eat the whole plastic cup, 'cos, I'm pretty sure that hearty thalatey goodness is mostly at the bottom.
Finally, keep them at home, plugged into the computer. Seeing the outside now will just make them sadder when it all further turns to shit. Socializing? Why? Keep 'em loners! I mean how awkward is it going to be when they are forced into cannibalism to have to eat someone they know?
Well, hope some of this helps, enjoy the warm weather, if not actually outside, then at least pictures on Facebook!