by Steve Messick
Okay, so if I could have any one person that had to throw a football-sized and weighted object, (you know, like a football), and have only one shot to hit an alien spacecraft in an exact spot before it escaped our atmosphere and blew the entire world up, (and yes, I DO give this a lot of thought), it would be Johnny Unitas. Just look at that silhouette!
This picture alone, one arm extending toward the heavens, he's hittin' the long bomb, saving Sunday's game AND warning any potential extra-terrestrials considering invasion. Can't you just feel it ?!
Same with the Mole People, but that's when he spiked the ball.
No, no Bart Starr, (cool name though and impressive stats), no Mannings, no Elway, (unless I had to pick someone to chew the cables of the spaceship, of which he'd be ideal for, bein' half-gopher...What? You didn't know that?). It would be Johnny fuckin' U. and his awesome goddamn crew cut.
Yeah, yeah, "blah and blah had better statistics". Yeah, well, Unitas played 12 games a season, and five minutes of every game they used to let the defense come in and just pummel and mug the QB. If you look at old footage, the defensive linemen and linebackers have pipes back there and they're whacking knees!
If Tom Brady played back then, he'd still be whining to this day!
Whew! Glad I got that off my chest!
When Baltimore had a CFL team, before they kicked them to the curve, they should have called the team the "Johnny Unitases" Take that NFL! Won't let us use "Colts" ?! We'll have every jersey with "Unitas" on it, and the helmet will have his face! How awesome would that have been?
If it was a ground war with the aliens, of course, I'd have to go with Bubba Smith and Artie Donovan. Okay, I gotta go peruse the maps and go over tactics!