by Neil Tobias
I want to talk about Jason Bourne. Jason Bourne is pretty much EXACTLY what I want to be. He doesn't give a fuck about anything, he is in great shape, he gets into adventures and he beats people's asses, but most importantly HE HAS NO MEMORY!!!!!
I WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO BEAT PEOPLE'S ASSES AND HAVE NO MEMORYOF MY PAST!!!!! DON'T EVEN GIVE ME ANY OF THAT "SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND" BULLSHIT!!!! I WANT A CLEAN SLATE LIKE JASON BOURNE AND I WANT A DOZEN PASSPORTS WITH DIFFERENT NAMES AND I WANT THE ABILITY TO KICK THE ASS OF ANYBODY WHO GETS IN MY WAY!!!! I HATE MY MEMORY!!!!
JASON BOURNE IS PROBABLY THE ONLY GUY WHO COULD ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISH ALL OF THE OBSTACLE COURSES ON "NINJA WARRIOR" AND HE PROBABLY WOULDN'T REMEMBER, BUT I WOULD TIVO IT FOR HIM!!!!
ALSO, THE NEW BOURNE MOVIE HAS THE MOST INTENSE TEXT MESSAGING SCENES OF ANY MOVIE I HAVE SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!!
I LOVE THE NEW SHOW CAVEMEN!!!! NICK IS THE COOLEST CRO-MAG BECAUSE HE DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HIS DISSERTATION!!! PLEASE--EVERYBODY WATCH THIS SHOW AND LET'S LAUNCH IT TO NUMBER ONE!!!
I WANT TO BE THE BEST CUP OF COFFEE IN BALTIMORE!!!! I HATE MURDER INK!!!! I LOVE SR-71!!!! I HATE TWO IF BY SEA!!!!! THIS COLUMN IS STARTING TO REPEAT ITSELF AND SUCK!!! I WISH I COULD FORGET THAT I WRITE THIS!!!! I HAVE BECOME AS SUCKY AS TWO IF BY SEA, EXCEPT THAT AT LEAST I HAVE THE SELF-AWARENESS TO ADMIT IT!!! AND I WILL ALWAYS BE MORE TALENTED THAN ANYONE WHO READS THIS!!!!
My name is Neil Tobias. This column is all about playing in a rock band and LIFTING WEIGHTS!! I also have Hepatitis C . I am new in town so please excuse me if I don't pronounce all your counties correctly. I will always however PRONOUNCE THE TRUTH CORRECTLY!