YEAR END WRAP UP 2004======================
Each year in the Shank, we ask readers to submit lists of the best and worst of the year. This is the last of those lists.
This is a collection of lists for MISC. It focuses on everything from Shank-related stuff to events to stuff that I accidentally overlooked in previous installments. .
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TOP 11 REASONS I'M GLAD I MOVED BACK TO BALTIMORE FROM THE BAYOU
by Heatherjean
11. In Baltimore, Cock-Fighting is a metaphor for what happened Friday night
10. No rattlesnakes under my desk
9. "Go" not spelled "GEAUX"
8. Endearing "Hon" less creepy than "Chere"
7. Paved Roads
6. Democrats
5. Mo longer hear "You're going to hell for ______" (insert here: not going to church, being single, not having babies, steaming crabs instead of boiling them, being friendly with "the gays"...)
4. Bromo Seltzer Tower
3. Distinct lack of fried foods at restaurants deemed "fancy".
2. Beer options exceed "regular" and "light" varieties.
1. THE SHANK
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TOP 10 THINGS I LIKE BEST ABOUT BALTIMORE NOW THAT I LIVE IN NY
by Amy Short
1. Artscape - what other city puts on a festival like this for it'speople, not for tourists?
2. The American Visionary Arts Museum - always with the best of the art by kooks
3. Hampdenfest - well run, packed with fun, and home-grown. Also $3 beer from Brewers Art. Cheers!
4. Everything costs $.50 - I could afford things down there in Bmore...like housing.
5. The many accessible parks - There's ample green space in town. That's nice. Trees are nice.
6. Brewers Art - Great beer with sassy names that always do the trick.
7. Blue Moon - Cheap, filling, and colorful. Baltimore in anutshell.
8. Ottobar/Talking Head - Bringing the rock for the sake of it. That's not easy.
9. Sam Holden - A character, a fantastic photographer, and a nice guy. Where would the Bmore bands' press kits be without Sam? Standing on a hill somewhere, staring off into the distance - that's where.
10. Genuine Neighborhoods - Real neighborhoods with stories and history and unique culture.
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TOP 10 USES OF THE WORD {FREAKIN'} IN THE MOBTOWN SHANK
by John Nick
Arranged chronologically.
"...we want our cows to eat grass, not other freakin' cows, right?"
MTS#220 [01/29/04]
"You feel like the dude in "Pi," at the moment he whips out the Black & Decker? Your head really freakin' hurts? What to do, what to do..."
MTS#223 [02/20/04]
"...we have some early details on the fantastic Atomic Books Anniversary Party we have planned. I'm telling you, it's freakin' huge!"
MTS#225 [03/04/04]
"And Dug would complain every freakin' week we run this column."
MTS#230 [04/08/04]
"Anytime an independent bookstore survives another year, that's freakin' cause for a celebration."
MTS#231 [04/15/04]
"And I keep saying to myself, I freaking quit smoking for this?"
MTS#232 [04/22/04]
"But even with all this greatness, not to mention Don Freakin' Knotts, we still occasionally get that weird feeling one gets before any party that things are gonna suck."
MTS#251 [09/09/04]
"FREAKIN' NUTJOBS: 56% of Congressmen believe in angels."
MTS#255 [10/04/04]
"We changed the freakin' WEATHER. Even we were a little astonished by the magnitude of our might."
MTS#257 [10/22/04]
"...The MobTown Shank, like just about every other freakin' publication..."
MTS#262 [12/02/04]
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TOP 10 ANNOYING CATCH PHRASES OF 2004
by Miss Sarah
1. That's hot. (Paris Hilton, you ignorant slut! Nicole Ritchie, you are marginally less annoying. But only marginally.)
2. moral values (Which apparently means "fag-hating." Or possibly just "completely sexually repressed.")
3. wardrobe malfunction (Boobies bad!! Men beating each other good.)
4. You're fired. (Seriously, Trump has no class. Can we agree on this?)
5. flip-flopping (Sigh.)
6. swift boat (Those guys are going straight to Hell, if there is one.)
7. spider-hole (I felt kinda sorry for Saddam.† That's why I'm un-amurcan.)
8. It's hard work! (WHY are you still president?)
9. Jesus is my homeboy (Um. Yeah. Cool.)
10. You forgot Poland. ( http://www.youforgotpoland.com/ )
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TOP 3 EXPERIENCES HAD WHILE BEHAVING LIKE A TOURIST INSTEAD OF A RESIDENT
by Rebecca Abernathy
1. Visiting the BMA for the first time without knowing anything at all about the Cone Collection and instead getting to be so surprised and delighted by it that I immediately became a museum member ad still encourage others to do the same
2. Attending to my first Orioles game (and actually, only Orioles game; why don't more people like baseball?), sitting in box seats, and eating pit beef on a crystal clear, perfect day (then later seeing Cal Ripken Jr. at Loco Hombre)
3. Going to a Ravens game with someone good enough at explaining football to make it almost interesting (although not more interesting than the girl fight that broke out in the stands and that the crowd tried to quell with irritated yet hopeful shouts of "Just rip your shirts off already! C'mon! Kiss each other, goddammit!")
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TOP 10 MOMENTS OF THE DOUBLE DAGGER TOUR 04
by Bruce Willen
In no particular order.
SUPPORTING THE TROOPS...
On our nine-day stint we "acquired" approximately 60 "Support Our Troops" magnetic ribbons (plus an American flag and a magnetic hockey player). We became the most troop-supporting-est vehicle on the road.
...BECAUSE OUR BOYS ARE DYING
In New Jersey, we were accosted by a fuming redneck who witnessed us acquiring one of our ribbons. He threatened us and made the brilliant observation that, "Our boys are dying over there." His sleeveless shirt, lack of sideburns, and impressive musculature kept us from making the obvious response: "Why do you think we're supporting them so much?"
K-MART, FAT SANDWICHES, AND ASBESTOS BASEMENTS
Since we were in New Jersey, we played a show at a strip mall shopping plaza containing a K-mart, Chinese restaurant, Karate "do-jo," and record store. (we played in the record store) Being New Jersey, kids have nothing to do, and they turned out in full force to rock out (and they bought multiple t-shirts!). It was one of the best record stores that we've been to, and we purchased many Bruce Springsteen records for $1.00 each. Following the show we drove to New Brunswick to spend the night. After wandering around to steal some flag magnets at 3:00 AM, we headed for the strip to get some food. New Brunswick is home to Rutgers University, and unbeknownst to us Homecoming weekend was in full effect. This included drunken girls asking us "what's the password?" and lots of dudes in baseball caps yelling "Woooo!!!!" We eventually entered a sandwich shop that served "Fat Sandwiches"--- devilish all-American amalgamations of every conceivable type of fast food. We all ordered the "Fat Indian"--- falafel, french fries, mozzarella sticks, lettuce, tomato, and tahini in a sub roll. God Bless America!
After bloating ourselves, we stumbled back through the bitter cold to the dirty punk house we were staying in. Nolen slept in the basement, filled with asbestos and the 8-track recorder that the first Fugazi record was recorded on. Cancer = punk rock?
RED SOX WIN
In Boston we wound up playing on the night of game four of the Yankees/Red Sox series. The venue, PA's Lounge, was half neighborhood sports bar, half hall where rock bands play. The show was supposed to start at 8:30, but all of bands were in the bar watching the Red Sox along with many neighborhood dudes who pounded their fists on the bar every time the Sox got a hit. Somehow I knew that we were meant to be here on this night because the Sox were going beat the Yankees and win the series. Don't ask me why, I just figured why else would we wind up playing a sports bar in Boston when the Red Sox are down three games to zero? When the Red Sox won the cheers from the bar drowned out the opening acoustic act in the room next door.
RED SOX WIN AGAIN
Two nights later we played a show in Montreal. It was an early show, so afterwards we all trooped across town to the Chinese Stars/Moving Units show at El Salon. The Red Sox game was on the TV in the back of the room, but this time the only people watching the game were the touring American bands.
UMM... FOILAGE
While we were waiting to cross the border into Canada (we were "recording" in Montreal) a super-sketchy guy was being questioned by immigration officials. Apparently he didn't have any ID on him, and was trying to explain himself to the border agent. (his excuse was that a new driver's license was being sent to him in the mail) First she asked him if he'd had any prior arrests. He had (one DUI in New York state). Then she asked what his business was in Canada. After an awkward pause he responded, "Umm... foilage?"
CANADA, EH
All of Canadian stereotypes are true (more or less). We met the most shockingly nice people, and they said things to us like, "What are all these magnetic ribbons aboot, eh?" We ate excellent and Indian and vegetarian food in Montreal (food is cheap, liquor is expensive). When we went into a convenience store to buy beer, we noticed that something was odd. At first we couldn't place it, but then Ben pointed out that the check-out counter wasn't surrounded by junk food. Sure, a few bags of chips were hanging out on one of the shelves in back, but we weren't overwhelmed by tantalizing sugar and tempting saturated fat like we would have been in the US. We didn't sell any large t-shirts in Montreal. (other notable Montreal moments: giant-phallic-concrete-baseball-stadium/failure-of-modernism, animated neon strip club signs, incredibly nice art gallery owner, crazy costume shop where Nolen bought a cop hat)
ACE
In Albany we met a kid named Ace and his friend who was wearing a homemade poncho constructed from bubble wrap (which he wore through the entire show). We told Ace that he needed to watch Wild Zero (one of the best films ever made--- the Japanese garage band Guitar Wolf plays themselves in an alien/zombie/rock-n-roll adventure). In Wild Zero the main character's name is also Ace, and he learns that "love knows no boundaries, nationalities, or genders."
COXSACKIE
We drove past Coxsackie, NY and had a Beavis and Butthead moment.
JAPANTHER
We played the last show of tour in a tiny basement in Queens, NY. The space was the NYC equivalent of Charm City Art Space-- gallery upstairs, punk shows in the basement. It was packed, and more people kept arriving. By the time the headliner, Japanther, played everyone was fairly inebriated and in excellent spirits. As soon as Japanther began, the crowd went nuts dancing. The sweat began to flow liberally as people somehow found room to dance/fall over onto other people in the room. Several drunken guys began hanging onto pipes in the ceiling to keep their balance. A look of sheer panic crossed the face of one of house's residents as he tried to decide whether to intervene with the girl puking in the back corner of the room or stop the drunk indie rocker from pulling the water pipes from the ceiling (the latter had to be dragged from the room and ejected onto the street). This was by far the best time I have ever seen Japanther, and definitely one of the best shows I've ever seen let alone played. After the night was over, I noticed smears of some stranger's blood which had rubbed onto my shirt in the cramped basement. How fucking rock and roll is that?
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MY FAVORITE DRINKS OF 2004
by Lisa Harbin
If there was an order I've forgotten it in my boozy haze.
1. The Sidecars my friend Anne made for Jules'birthday. They have cinnamon sugar on the rim!
2. Every single Holy Frijoles bar (HFB) pomegranate margarita. And there have been quite a few.
3. Dean's Lemon Bourbonaide on my birthday
4. my birthday mojitos
5. HFB mango margaritas tied with HFB raspberry gin fizzzzzes
6. The house-bottled white wine I had at dinner at Tersiguel's. I don't even know what kind it was but it was tres magnifique. Especially with their house-cured proscuitto. They make good things at that house.
7. the Pink Palace I had in Waikiki. Tropical paradise in a tall frosty glass. Prettiest drink ever. Look: http://www.flickr.com/photos/68893306@N00/3210070/
8. The glass of white wine I had while eating potato chips and an avocado from Patti's tree on the balcony of my hotel room in Hawaii.
9. The glass of prosecco I had in the middle of the afternoon after getting of the bus at the new fancy Fairy Building in SF while I waited for my friend to pick me up. Vacation drinks are the best!
10. The first drink I had at the HFB, at Hon Fest when I was very hot and tired and hungry and severely cranky--the refreshingly weird Michelada. I hope I'm spelling it correctly because it made everything better.
11. The bottle of Yuengling I had in the bath after running the 1/2 marathon. I've never anticipated a beer so much in my life as I did while running that race.
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TOP TEN "2004: YEAR OF THE {BLANK}"
by John Nick
10. 2004: Year of the Hollow PAC
I gave how much money to MoveOn, the DNC, and the Kerry campaign, and we still lost?† My only consolation is that Mssrs. Springsteen, Stipe, and Vedder are even more pissed than I am.
9.2004: Year of the United States Discovering The Clash's "London Calling"
Not that The White Stripes suck or anything, but please.
8. 2004: Year of the Faulty Exit Poll
Did I miss a memo? Were we ALL supposed to vote Red but claim Blue as we left the polls? Network News and Cable News can all friggin' bite me.
7. 2004: Year of the LotR Sam/Frodo SlashArt
Sam and Frodo made out, like, ALL THE TIME. Old-school Tolkein aficionados knew this fact. Now, thanks to the Internet, the public realizes the beautiful truth that Peter Jackson tried to hide.
6. 2004: Year of the Hunt-and-Kill Campaign Suckup
As a left-leaner, I found Kerry's constant promise "We will HUNT DOWN the terrorists and KILL THEM!" sorta creepy. Oh yeah, and the duck hunting or whatever. Hindsight observation to Kerry: the Republicans already HAD a candidate you dork.
5. 2004: Year of the Abu Ghraib Halloween Costume
Those photos were supposed to get Rummy canned. Nope. The media moved onto something different and America forgot how shitty it was. And we laugh at the Halloween version of it because deep down, whether Blue or Red, we're sad and angry that nothing came of it.
4. 2004: Year of the Japanese Horror Film Remake
The Ring/The Grudge/Dark Water are the new Godzilla.
3. 2004: Year of the SEASON [n] ON DVD
Suddenly, my childhood dream is a reality: complete runs of shows are available at any time, in their entirety, commercial free, often with commentary! Except seasons 4, 5, and 6 of Oz. And Square Pegs. And Friday the 13th The TV Series. But there's always 2005.
2. 2004: Year of the Goo-zilla-Pod
On December 7th 2004, I was waxing my Mozilla while straddling the previous tenant's Google just as my heartbeat began to iPod and I suddenly saw Jesus. Or that Johnny guy from the Red Sox; can't be sure.
1. 2004: Year of the Snuff Film
Were you at work in an office when the Nick Berg decapitation video started floating around? I was. People were all saying, "Have you seen it?" but it was a dumb question because if you HAD seen it, most likely you'd be barfing (as happened in my office) or going home early.
Remember growing up and hearing about snuff films for the first time? Maybe it was because you read that section in "Less Than Zero" or saw that Nicolas Cage movie, or maybe it was just some freakout studyhall conversation.† But then you heard, "Snuff films are urban myths. So and so police detective says no criminal investigation has ever been recorded in the United States that documents such a thing."
Well, now we have them. Granted, the old idea of a snuff film was that the viewer gained some perverse sexual pleasure from watching them. I guess. But was it a sexual urge?† Or was it some other visceral desire that comes from equally misunderstood nether regions of our own psyches?
It would have been difficult to see the Nick Berg video "by accident." If you saw it you most likely, at some level, made a conscious decision to see it.
Likewise, if you didn't see it, you probably made a choice to not see it.
In this rare and extreme scenario, both choices were borne of unique, personal rationales -- rationales that may or may not be clear to those who own them.
No, I didn't watch it. But I feel like I did.
***
HONORABLE MENTION: 2004: Year of the Peculiar Quizno's Commercial
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TOP 5 BEST EVENTS IN BALTIMORE
by Neil Eber
1. Keyboard Man at "I Hate the 80's Night": Keyboard man was the real deal. I saw him punch a van after the show.
2. The Legendary Shack Shakers @ The Ottobar: I like it when the singer rips out his pubic hair and throws it at people. He didn't give himself a wedgie this time, but they were still awesome.
3. Patton Oswald @ Frazier's: I wonder if Marty from Fraziers thought Patton was some local wizenheimer with a lot of friends.
4. Gary "Baba Booey" Delabatte's appearance at the Hustler Club: Fa Fa Flooey? Fa Fa Flunkey.
5.Parties
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TOP 5 WORST EVENTS IN BALTIMORE
by Neil Eber
1-4. Clay Aiken "Joyful Noise Christmas Tour" at the Meyerhoff *
5.Clay Aiken @ First Mariner Arena
*Trivia: Clay requested that his fans wear their "sunday best" and refrain from screaming and holding signs for his Christmas shows. He said he wanted to offer the event a "touch of class". Also, his fans are called "clay-mates"
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TOP 10 THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME AT WORK
by Dr. Shank
10. I've got more hairpins where that one came from.
9. The stuff I'm coughing up is about the same color as your hair.
8. Bitch, why you be frontin' like my shit ain't tight?
7. My cake hurts!!!
6. That part is usually INSIDE my body.
5. It all started when I put the deck screw up there, and its been a problem ever since.
4. What you mean, 'sexually active?' I's a 'ho - does that count?
3. I get headaches whenever I shoot cocaine in my neck. What do you have for headaches?
2. Are you in league with the Freemasons?
1. I love my doctor, because she has a great big fine ass.
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TOP 10 DISTRACTIONS FROM THE GRIM PALL HANGIONG OVER OUR COLLECTIVE FUTURE
by Hannah Feldman
1. "The Incredibles." I always suspected Sarah Vowell of superpowers, and now I have proof.
2. Emily Flake. Maybe I shouldn't be plugging someone from another publication, but I adore this woman... though the obvious fact that she's stalking my friends and me , as evidenced by comics that could have come straight out of our own lives, is a leeeeetle creepy.
3. "Metallica: Some Kind of Monster." Evidently, the scene where Lars Ulrich screams "FUCK!" repeatedly in James Hetfield's face actually went on for close to an hour. I hope they include the whole thing on the DVD.
4. "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." It pains me to find myself enjoying another Jim Carrey movie, but Eternal Sunshine qualifies as the best date flick of '04. Sad, sweet, and surreal, it compels you to forgive its several flaws, much as we all hope our own lovers will forgive ours.
5. Bacon steak. It's steak, wrapped in a piece of bacon, then grilled. The bacon flavor infuses the steak, creating... bacon steak, the single most brilliant hybrid since the jackalope. (Oh, you just THINK they don't exist. Haven't you seen "The Incredibles" yet?)
6. "The Giant Clam." I'm not just saying this because my coworker made it. I'm saying this because my coworker made it and now I can't look at him without laughing.
7. Video Americain's tendency to have sidewalk sales every weekend this summer, which I would pass by on my weekend dog walks, which would lead to me having no money but many many seasons of the Sopranos (among other things) on DVD for much less money than it would have cost to buy them new but still it was a lot of money.
8. Is it wrong of me to like Spiderbait's cover of "Black Betty" so much? Yes, yes it is. I am so very deeply ashamed.
9. Night-time corn mazes. Fun! Adventure! Flasks!
10. "Dawn of the Dead." Makes you pine for the days when zombies were content to just eat the flesh of the living, and not vote.
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TOP 3 THINGS THAT REMINDED ME OF THE GRIM PALL HANGIONG OVER OUR COLLECTIVE FUTURE
by Hannah Feldman
1. "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail 1972" by Hunter S. Thompson, which I read in real time as the election progressed, and it was creepy to see how closely the McGovern/Nixon race paralleled the Kerry/Bush one. Creepy, and depressing.
2. "Persepolis" by Marjane Satrapi. The second volume of this graphic-novel memoir of an Iranian girl's early years spends a great deal of time focused on what happens to personal freedom when religious conservatives get hold of a country's government. Further evidence that the last thing we should want at the helm of our nation is a "godly man."
3. Wayne
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TOP 10 REAL OR SLIGHTLY FICTIONALIZED SPORTING EVENTS FOR 2004
by "Coach" Messick
1. NBA - professional athletes get smart and decide to attack fans that throw shit at them. I can just see most fans, "Duh, what are they getting so mad about?" Why should basic physics be suspended, like, "that guy's two heads taller than me, outweighs me by 40+ lbs., and has half the percentage of body fat as me...I think I'll start some shit and not get my ass kicked."
If you don't think the athletes have anything to get upset about, tell ya what, while you're trying to do your money-making job, how about I throw a full plastic soda bottle at your head?
You can yell whatever you want at the game. You paid to get in, whether it was actual moolah, or you called in a favor or kissed some butt, you "paid" to get in. It entitles you to scream just about whatever you want at the players. Fine. NO THROWEE! It doesn't take balls to throw shit at the players unless you're at a Lumberjack Contest.
2. All the bullshit over Janet Jackson's exposed breast. BFD!! The biggest boobs exposed were the ones that got upset about this, but not the cleavage on the cheerleaders or the beer commericials, "and those tuh-wins"
3. The End of the Curse of the Bambino - Not the actual curse itself, but, the end of having to fucking hear about, you know,... I'm not going to type it again.† No longer does anyone have to hear about the quasi-mysticism bullshit around Boston.† This also takes away any question over the most cursed baseball town.
It's interesting Bill Buckner played most of his career as a Cub. I guess it's good for him that those teams were never good enough to get anywhere near a World Series.
4. Golf is still not a Sport! Nope! Not even close! It's an enjoyable past time, but the most challenging aspect of it is attempting to stay sober enough to drive your cart to the 19th hole.† Tell you what, I'll call it a sport if the fans are allowed to regularly pelt the players with full soda bottles during the game.
5. Horse Racing Not a Sport! It is for the horses, don't get me wrong, but, the jockeys?† When the horse and jockey win, it's the horse's name I see on the headlines.
I guess it's a bum rap for the jockeys, there is the elimate of danger, plus, a definite knowledge and experience required. Still, it's the horse's ass that's getting whipped.
6. Michael Phelps Sullies his Name Bullshit - I don't really care about a DUI that an 18 year old gets. That's News?† They didn't make that big a fuss when Bush and Cheney got busted for lying about their DWIs. "He has sullied his Olympic performance forever" This is why I hate sports writers. The majority of them are morons.
7. I Still don't care about Hockey - Why does Florida have a hockey team? A new rule should be if you can't possibly play a sport outside in that region, then you shouldn't have a professional team. Florida should start Swamp Hockey or something.
8. NASCAR - Guess what? The drivers aren't athletes, it's not a sport. Yeah, some people would say, "if you were in a car having to do what they do, you'd be shitting green". Yeah, but so what?, I'm an old man. I do have to concede that these guys have unbelievable bladders. Do they just wear Depends? Do they try to take a leak in the bottle they drink out of? At that speed, in those conditions it would be somewhat impressive, but still not a sport.
9. The Steroid Scandal - I'm glad they're getting rid of steroids. I find it hard to beleive that they're punishing the guy that came clean, Giambi, and not the guys that aren't, Sosa and Bonds. McGwire got out before he got nailed.† It makes the Pete Rose gambling on baseball issue seem a whole lot less unforgivable. MLB is handling it like the weinies they are. Some things never change.
10. Sorry, only nine this year. I had to make deadline.
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TOP 11 FRESH AIR WITH TERRY GROSS INTERVIEWS
by Denise Cantner
These can be heard at www.npr.org
11. Bounty Hunter Tom Evangelista Sept 21
10. Warner Bros. Animator Chuck Jones Nov 5
9. Comedian Dave Chappelle Sept 2
8. Actor Robert Downey, Jr Nov 19
7. 'South Park' Creator Matt Stone on Fighting Terrorism Oct 14
6. Tom Kenny (the Voice of Sponge Bob) and Paul Reubens (Pee Wee Herman) Interviews Dec 27
5. Director Michael Moore on Politics and Film Oct 18
4. Singer and Songwriter Tom Waits Oct† 8
3. Father Boyle, Founder of Homeboy Industries Sept 10
2. Comedian and Actor Patton Oswalt Dec 3
1. Catchy and Rare: 'A John Waters Christmas' Dec 14
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A COLLECTION OF TOPS
by Vicki Brown
TOP READS OF 2004
Dress Your Kids in Corduroy and Denim -David Sedaris
TOP ALBUMS OF 2004
The Arcade -Funeral
TOP WEBSITES/BLOGS OF 2004
www.anarchymonkey.com/alexroper/renovation
TOP EVENTS OF 2004
The emotional rollercoaster that was the biggest letdown of a lifetime - w getting "reelected"
MISC.
Top event of 2005- w fucking up and getting the boot!
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BEST SPORTING EVENTS
by Jamie Watson
1. Watching Greece win the Euro in Zorba's in Greektown. I'm not Greek, but I wished I was that day. It was almost the most fun day of 2004.
2. Getting TO on the Eagles.
3. Watching TO do the Ray Lewis dance.
4. Watching TO do situps
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WORST SPORTING EVENTS
by Jamie Watson
1. TOs leg, which I saw break in person. WAH!
2. No hockey.
3. Flyers lose to tampa bay lightning.
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TOP 3 OVERHEARDS SUBMITTED BY ME IN 2004
Rebecca Abernathy
1. HEAVY SMOKERS
THE SETTING: Rite-Aid at Falls and 37th, around 1:30 p.m. on a Wednesday afternoon
THE PLAYERS: Two women: one the store security guard, the other a customer in front of me in line buying, among other things, 4 cartons of Salem Lights.
CUSTOMER (to guard): Girl, I got to get these cigarettes for my people and get back to work. They crazy for they cigarettes when they ain't had they medication.
GUARD: Really?
CUSTOMER: Yeah, and you know the disabled. They 2, 3 times stronger than you or me.
GUARD: You ain't kiddin'. They nice though, right?
CUSTOMER: Oh yeah, they sweet... [Under her breath, fretfully]...'cept when they want they cigarettes.
2. THE STUPIDEST FIGHT EVER
THE SETTING: The corner of 33rd and Keswick in Hampden, about 7:30 a.m. I'm walking my dog in the park across from the 7-11 when the following happens.
THE PLAYERS: Guy 1: Mid to late 30s blue collar guy, walking along Keswick with (I presume) his son (a kid of about 9 or 10). Guy 2: Mid to late 30s blue collar guy, driving a pick-up truck laden with blue collar gear (like he's maybe a dry-waller or something). As he turns from 33rd onto Keswick, he spots Guy 1, speeds over to the curb, slams on his brakes, gets out of the truck, charges toward Guy 1, and the following exchange ensues:
GUY 1: You got somethin' to say to me?
GUY 2: YOU got somethin' to SAY to ME?!
GUY 1: You got somethin' to say to me?
GUY 2: YOU got somethin' to SAY to ME?!
(They're chest to chest now, arms tense, hands balled into fists.)
GUY 1: You got somethin' to say to me?
GUY 2: YOU got somethin' to SAY to ME?!
GUY 1: You got somethin' to say to me?
GUY 2: YOU got somethin' to SAY to ME?!
GUY 1: Yeah!?
GUY 2: YEAH!
(Each backing away from the other simultaneously, Guy 1 returning to the sidewalk, Guy 2 returning to his truck.)
GUY 1: I THOUGHT so!
GUY 2: That's RIGHT!
3. AMATEURS
THE SETTING: I'm walking my dog past a row of houses on Elm Street, between 35th and 34th.
THE PLAYERS: Assortment of late teen/early 20s locals assembled on front porch of row house.
GIRL (defensively): I've smoked crack!
BOY (dismissively): Bullshit. As an amateur, maybe. You ain't no professional. Smokin' crack once don't make you a professional crack smoker. Wait 'til your lips is all burnt up, then talk to me. Fuckin' amateur.
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TOP 10 PEOPLE WHO ARE POLITICALLY IRRELEVANT IN AMERICA
by Brad Rogers
1. Anyone who has ever used the term "meta-" in conversation.
2. Anyone who has an opinion about if This American Life is better than Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.
3. Anyone who has ever worn in public a work shirt with someone else's name ironed on the breast pocket.
4. Anyone who owns the "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?" soundtrack.
5. Anyone who can define the Vulcan term "Pon 'Far".
6. Anyone who has ever used the phrase "underground" when discussing music.
7. Anyone who†considers what car they drive†drive†to be†a political statement, but does not select a Ford or a Chevy.
8. Anyone who can name a civil rights leader other than Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, or Jesse Jackson.
9. Anyone who has ever used the phrase "as a matter of law".
10. Anyone who has every used the phrase "spread awareness".
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FAVORITE U.S. PLACES OVER A 2004 CROSS-COUNTRY TRIP
by Bill Sebring
1. Seattle Public Library, Seattle, Washington. Rem Koolhaas’s best-loved and deepest work, it’s beautiful, breathtaking, and fun to be inside.
2. Hotel San Jose, Austin, Texas. Modernist makeover of a great old motor lodge; a great vibe, a Congress Avenue address, and wonderful staff.
3. The Forevertron and the House on the Rock, near Madison, Wisconsin. These two attractions were unexpectedly moving, for surprisingly similar reasons; the former is a sculpture garden working from the raw materials of castoff scrap machinery, the latter a wholly uncurated collection of unimaginable scale. Both are testaments to the Western ethos of the individual.
4. Lightning Field, near Quemado, New Mexico. An examination of the earth, light, quiet, and the social self.
5. Lafayette Cemetery, Garden District, New Orleans, Louisiana. A complex matrix of place, addressing the land, architecture, and text. The metal gateway is a treasure.
6. Asheville, North Carolina. A well-regulated and attractive old industrial town, renewed.
7. Los Angeles, California. America’s most complex and least-loved city, a place that never fails to soothe me.
8. The Badlands, South Dakota. Mythic and full of wonder, despite their reputation.
9. Barbette, Minneapolis, Minnesota. A delicious meal.
10. Monument Valley and the San Juan Inn, Mexican Hat and environs, southern Utah. Home to the most varied and colorful landscape of the trip. The location of the old motor lodge, perched above the San Juan River, took one back forty years.
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A DOZEN BOOKS FOR 2004
by Bill Sebring
1. The Vatican to Vegas: A History of Special Effects, Norman A. Klein. An original addition to the literature of wonder and spectacle, examining the world of shocks, surprise twists, grand fakes, and copies. Scholarly and accessible.
2. Maximum City: Bombay Lost and Found, Suketu Mehta. Not just a portrait of the modern, labyrinthine city, but a well-written look at a city in transformation from a third-world to a first-world one. A fascinating first look at the century ahead of us.
3. The Wisdom of Crowds, James Surowiecki. An original challenge to the cult of the expert, and one that explains the paradox of—among others—how a wise electorate may be composed of ordinary folks.
4. The Rose and the Briar: Death, Love, and Liberty in the American Ballad, Sean Wilentz and Griel Marcus, editors. A beautiful examination of Americana through the lens of vernacular music.
5. Snow, Orhan Pamuk. Quiet and beautiful prose. Pamuk is an accomplished architect of narrative, themes, and poetics; a writer for the ages.
6. Stand Up and Fight Back, E. J. Dionne, Jr. In an election year that saw Democratic partisans continue to lose their collective head, a veteran pragmatist instructs the faithful and addresses the victors, too.
7. Alexander the Great, Paul Cartledge. In the year of a return to costume dramas, this book works better than the any of the toga-ed movies.
8. My Life, Bill Clinton. Our most talented and reflective modern president, Clinton’s book is as one would expect: it is like Clinton, the man—unwieldy, profound, penetrating—well, maybe not that.
9. The Neyer/James Guide to Pitchers, Bill James and Rob Neyer. Endlessly distracting, as all of their better works are. Amongst other things, a debunking of the sins of overworking young pitchers, a “census” of all significant pitchers and their repertoire, and (of course) more.
10. Audio Culture: Readings in Modern Music, Christoph Cox and Daniel Warner, editors. A collection of short works that form a roadmap to the meaning of modern music in the pomo era—would make a nice textbook for a course on the topic.
11. McSweeney’s Quarterly Concern, Issue Number 13: An Assorted Sampler of North American Comic Drawings, Strips, and Illustrated Stories, &c., Chris Ware, editor. You can read it for the articles, including essays by Updike and a number of fine, shorter ones by the editor himself.
12. Authenticity: Brands, Fakes, Spin and the Lust for Real Life, David Boyle. Not available in the U.S., this British author ably grapples with the most significant question in the postmodern era: how do we sort the world when authenticity has lost its meaning?
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TOP 10 DISKS
by Bill Sebring
1. Sonic Nurse, Sonic Youth. A satisfying return from the over-the-hill gang.
2. Madvillianry, Madvillian. What do you get when you pair the genre’s greatest DJ and one of its best emcees? Predictably, the best hip-hop record of 2004, that’s what. Great cover image.
3. The Grey Album, Jay-Z and DJ Danger Mouse. I ditched all of my old Beatles records a long time back, not because I didn’t like them, but that I was fatigued. The beauty of the Grey Album is that the Fab Four have been recontextualized; they sound fresh again.
4. Funeral, Arcade Fire. The “it” record of 2004, and well-deserved, if not as much as one hears. Rousing.
5. Franz Ferdinand, Franz Ferdinand. Fab—bonus points for the fantastic constructivist video by Jonas Odell.
6. Talkie Walkie, Air. Once again, some of the most heartachingly beautiful pop tunes put to silicon.
7. Britney Spears Greatest Hits: My Prerogative, Britney Spears. (If it plays, it goes on the list.) Toxic, y’all.
8. Radio Morocco, “Various artists.” Sublime Frequencies is perhaps the worst-kept secret of the last twelve months—their disks have been cropping up on many best-of lists. I prefer the “radio” recordings to the field and found cassettes, because you get a sense of the times through pop, vocal stylings, ads, &c. That they come across in French, English, and Berber, makes it twice as nice.
9. Ta Det Lugnt, Dungen. The Swedish combo has an elusive, authentic sound, one lost in time, the result of spending a good number of years, sitting in their bedrooms, listening to Zeppelin. Indescribable.
10. “Vertigo,” U2. I don’t own the disk; haven’t downloaded it; still may have heard it more than any other single this year, thanks to Apple and MTV. It’s good.
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THE HIT PARADE: 2004's GREATEST HITS
Or, What do you say to a chick with no arms or legs?
Nice tits!
by Rob Sherwood
I guess that I'd send in a Best of 04 List or two, but when you consider that the only records that I bought this year were a pirate copy of OutKast's Hey Ya record, and the first Thrills record (a very good first record), I'm not one to comment on new records. The Oakley Hall record is great though. Shank readers should buy it. Also, Dan Melchior's Broke(n-up) Revue put out a last gasp EP that is my very good ole pal's first appearance in the recorded musical tradition. I don't recall the title. Some pal, eh? Other than that, I bought some UFO records at the WFMU record fair with & without Michael Schenker. I can't believe that it is going to be 2005, I am going to be 36 years old and I am into UFO. Still, you listen to the riff to "Rock Bottom" (its on Phenomenon) and tell me that isn't the shit! I've bought 4 UFO records this year.
I saw The Motorcycle Diaries last week with some Russian dame who contacted me via Friendster. It was okay but long and she smelled funny. The Leper Colony part bummed me out, and then when they implied that Che actualy swam across the mighty Amazon (drunk) to say goodbye to the leper patients. I cried bullshit "Bullshit!" and almost walked out. Friggin Commie lies. I shoulda known better. The music was great as was the camera work. Wow, the Andes looked beautiful in a relatively huge film? Go figure. The Korg keyboard has destroyed most Latin American music, but traditional latin jazz (a catchall phrase for mambo, samba & marengue) is really good stuff. Good for dancing with your lady. What else did I see? I saw that "Saved" movie about the Jesus freaks; that sucked. "Festival Express" was okay, but had too much Grateful Dead & Janis Joplin, not enough Flying Burritos (post-GP) and Buddy Guy (amazing in 1970) or The Band (Levon Helm is the greatest man on earth). I saw the Battle For Algiers thing, and that was pretty good. I have digital cable so every movie I see is from 2003.
Did I read anything? I read "Hunger" by Knut Hamsun. Not the type of thing you bring to a Costa Rican vacation. I read Kem Nunn's "Tijuana Straits" which was a good SoCal noir kinda thing. I also read "In Search of Captain Zero" by Alan Weisbecker which is better as a travelogue than a novel. The guy writes like a 1st year creative writing student who hasn't kicked his pot habit yet. I read a novel about the NJ Shore Shark Attacks in the 1800s that blew and had to put down. I read a good Jim Thomson book, and re-read The Chase parts of Moby Dick (in other words, I "cut to The Chase").
What else did I like this year? I liked going to Costa Rica twice in one year. I liked hanging out with my Dad at my nephew's little league games (the kid's a stud. we're sending him to Balco for his 11th birthday). Most of all, I liked being in a band called The Ospreys and playing out with Oakley Hall a couple of times. Through this, I've made a ton of new friends, but unfortunately we all lost a best friend in Ospreys guitar player Marc Moore. So, 2004 was pretty much a pile of shit.
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NOTABLE DEATHS IN 2004
by Stephen Ashby
All the people who died, died. Well, not all technically. But some. Some you might know.
Ronald Reagan, former actor and President of the United States, remembered to duck on June 5th.
It was a bad year for Superman. The man of steel himself, Christopher Reeve, died June 10th, though no Kryptonite was present. Marlon Brando, who played Superman's father, got an offer he couldn't refues on July 1st. He failed to later appear as a hologram.
Yassar Arafat, leader of the PLO, died November 11th. Israel was not responsible, though they'd surely tried enough to get him there sooner.
Ray Charles hit the road, Jack, and didn't come back no more no more no more no more on June 10th.
Jerry Orbach, best known as Lenny Briscoe on Law and Order died December 28th of natural causes, so there won't be an investigation, a trial, or that Dun-Dun sound.
Rodney Dangerfield finally got respect. The last respects of mourners, actually, after he died on October 9th.
Julia Child sampled her last bit of cooking sherry on August 13th.
Dave Blood, bassist for the Dead Milkmen, died March 10th. Godzilla was rumored to be in his backyard, but that's not confirmed.
Spalding Gray failed to swim to Cambodia on January 10th, never making it out of the East River.
Johnny Ramone wasn't too tough to die on September 15th.
Laura Branigan, sick of wondering "how am I supposed to live without you" died August 26th of a brain aneuryism
Jan Berry, of Jan and Dean, visited Dead Man's Curve on March 26th.
Ol' Dirty Bastard, died November 13th. Just your standard OD. Without the B.
John Peel, had his last session on October 25th.
Rick James died August 6th, bitch.
Elisabeth Kubler Ross finished her five stages of grief on August 24th.
Czeslaw Milosz, poet, died August 14th. He won the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1980, but I don't believe he took it with him when he died.
Fay Raye, failing to escape the clutches of King Kong, died August 8th.
William A. Mitchell took his pop rocks with Coke on July 26th. In addition to Pop Rocks, MItchell also held the patents for Tang, Cool Whip and Jello.
Isabel Sanford, better known as Weezie, moved on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky on July 12th.
Jeff Smith, Frugal Gourmet and sex offender, died on July 7th, neither cooking nor fondling men.
Tug McGraw threw his last pitch January 5th.
Jack Parr, former Late Show host before Johnny Carson, signed off January 27th
Alistair Cook, wrote his last letter from America on March 30th.
Alan King switched from stand-up to lay-down on May 9th.
Fred Whipple, August 30th. A Harvard astronomer who came up with the dirty snowball theory on comets. Here so that I can say Whipple and dirty snowball.
Janet Leigh took her last shower on October 3rd.
Jacques Derrida deconstructed on October 8th.
Fred Hale Sr. was no longer the worlds oldest living man on November 19th. 113 is the number to beat.
