Mobtown Shank

Shank Calendar 6.30 - 7.9

Friday, June 30_______________________
THE SHONDES, THE DEGENERETTES, ODD BONES, NIGHT WOUNDS, COOL GUYS HOT GIRLS
The Talking Head. Downtown.

TELEVISION HILL, AVETT BROTHERS
8x10. Federal Hill, Baltimore.
Cross St.

CITYPAPER & OTTOBAR'S '80S PROM
The Ottobar. Remington, Baltimore.
2549 N. Howard St.

KARMELLA'S GAME
8PM. Sonar. Downtown, Baltimore.
407 E.Saratoga St.

FIERY FURNACES
$15. 930 Club. Washington, DC.
815 V. St. NW.

2006 MID-ATLANTIC RADICAL BOOKFAIR
Centerstage. Mt. Vernon, Baltimore.
700 N. Calvert St.

Saturday, July 1_______________________
BURLESQUE-A-PADES!
Featuring: WORLD FAMOUS PONTANI SISTERS, TRIXIE LITTLE & EVIL HATE MONKEY, CORN MO, KITTEN DE VILLE, MISS SATURN, TYLER FYRE
9PM. <http://www.theottobar.com/>The Ottobar. Remington, Baltimore.
2549 N. Howard St.

AMERICAN BEAUTIES FASHION SHOW
$8/$10. Creative Alliance at the Patterson. Highlandtown, MD.
3134 Eastern Ave.
A star spangled fashion cabaretharp duet, fashion, cabaret, musical performances, 8mm porn

BARN BURNERS
10PM. The Waterfront Hotel. Fells Point, Baltimore.
1710 Thames St.

2006 MID-ATLANTIC RADICAL BOOKFAIR
Centerstage. Mt. Vernon, Baltimore.
700 N. Calvert St.

Sunday, July 2_______________________
2006 MID-ATLANTIC RADICAL BOOKFAIR
Centerstage. Mt. Vernon, Baltimore.
700 N. Calvert St.

CAPTURE THE FLAG! CHARLES VILLAGE
4PM. Wyman Park. Chillage (Charles Village), Baltimore.
For more info, email Joe.
Capture The Flag is a traditional outdoor game where two teams each have a flag and the objective is to capture the other team's flag, located inside the team's territory, and bring it back to their own territory. Each territory also has a "jail" area in addition to the flag on each team's territory. If a member of one team gets tagged by a member of the second team in the second team's territory, the tagged person must sit in jail either for a pre-determined time limit, or until an untagged member "tags" them out of jail.
THE MAP
The game board (see Mapquest link below) is divided into two "sides" by 31st Street. The east and west borders are Charles Street and Calvert Street, The north and south borders are 33rd and 29th. Each side of 31st belongs to a team (eight square blocks), but 31st Street itself is neutral. The "jails" will be the corner of 32nd and St. Paul (CC's Carryout) and 30th and St. Paul (streetlight next to 3002 St. Paul). Maps and rules will be provided the day of the game.
THE TEAMS
Players will be divided into a Red Team and a Blue Team, and the players will be denoted by a red or blue armband. Teams will be chosen at random. Each team will have a Captain. Cell phones are encouraged so that team members can communicate back and forth but will not be mandatory.
PLANNING TIME
The starting point will be the corner of 31st and N. Charles (near Xando). Each team is given ten minutes to hide their flag and develop a strategy. The flag MUST be placed on the corner of two streets (no alleys or dead end streets) and cannot be placed on private property. At the end of the ten minute period, a call will be made to the team captains and the game will begin.
TERRITORY
Players can roam freely within their territory. Once they enter enemy territory by crossing 31st Street, they can be "caught" by being tagged by an opponent. If they are tagged, they must go to the enemy "jail" and wait there until a member of their team "frees" them by tagging them out of jail. Once the member is freed, both team members have safe passage back to their territory but they must go directly there.
FLAGS
Once the flag is placed, it cannot be moved. Team members can stand guard within a 20-pace circle of the flag but are not allowed to get any closer until someone from the opposing team enters that circle. Once the flag is captured, it must be brought across 31st Street to the team's home territory.
WINNING
There are two ways to win: capture your opponents' flag or tag all of your opponents into jail.
Remember that this is a work in progress and I will be working out the bugs as we do this. If I get enough of a turnout, we may make this a regular thing. Please remember to respect people's private property and be considerate of the people living in the neighborhood.
We will meet at the swingsets in Wyman Park (near N. Charles and 29th) at 4PM so that we can divide up into teams. If you'd like to be a part of this but don't want to actually play, we can use referrees/volunteers. After the game, we will all descend on Charles Village Pub (3107 St. Paul St, Baltimore MD 21218) for the Capture The Flag afterparty!
MAP.

Friday, July 7_______________________
NEIL HAMBURGER, GARAGE SALE
7PM. The Ottobar (Upstairs). Remington, Baltimore.
2549 N. Howard St.

CAMM Presents: FILMS BY MARK STANSBERRY
8PM. $7/$5. Creative Alliance at the Patterson. Highlandtown, MD.
3134 Eastern Ave.

THE BARN BURNERS, LEAVING TX
Full Moon Saloon. Fells Point, Baltimore.
1710 Aliceanna St.

THE PALACE OF WONDERS - GRAND OPENING
Featuring: TRIXIE LITTLE & THE EVIL HATE MONKEY, TODD ROBBINS, CHRIS MCDANIEL, CHARON HENNING
7PM. $15. The Palace Of Wonders. Washington, DC
1210 H. St. NE.
The Palace also features THE SHOCKED & AMAZED COLLECTION OF ODDITIES from around the globe. The world's only unicorn, Devil Man, the Samoan Sea Wurm, Fivey - The 5-legged Dog, Joseph Merrick and 1001 more attractions.

Saturday, July 8_______________________
THE PALACE OF WONDERS - GRAND OPENING
Featuring: TRIXIE LITTLE & THE EVIL HATE MONKEY, TODD ROBBINS, CHRIS MCDANIEL, CHARON HENNING
7PM. $15. The Palace Of Wonders. Washington, DC
1210 H. St. NE.
The Palace also features THE SHOCKED & AMAZED COLLECTION OF ODDITIES from around the globe. The world's only unicorn, Devil Man, the Samoan Sea Wurm, Fivey - The 5-legged Dog, Joseph Merrick and 1001 more attractions.

Sunday, July 9_______________________
PUFFY AMIYUMI
6PM. $25. 930 Club. Washington, DC.
815 V. St. NW.

---------------------------------------------------------------
To see more upcoming shows, visit THE SKAG section of the Shank.

RadioShank: Television Hill, Brightblack Morning Light, Matmos

LIARS, FRAMES, HILLS, YOUTH
TELEVISION HILL - Jewel Of Texas [mp3]
TELEVISION HILL - John The Revelator [mp3]
TELEVISION HILL - Ginx Blues [mp3]
Baltimore alt-country. More tracks available here.

BRIGHTBLACK MORNING LIGHT - Everybody Daylight [mp3]
Sorta Animal Collective-ishh.

SONIC YOUTH - Superstar [mp3]
SY covers the Carpenters.

YO LA TENGO - Beanbag Chair [mp3]
A new track from their next album, due out this fall.

ARIZONA - Diventa Blu [mp3]
ARIZONA - Some Kind Of Chill [mp3]
ARIZONA - Splintering [mp3]
I can't tell if this is interesting like Devendra Banhart, or dull like Coldplay.

MATMOS - Roses and Teeth (for Ludwig Wittgenstein) [mp3]
Sort of a concept album. Can you guess the concept?

BONNIE 'PRINCE' BILLY - The Signifying Wolf [mp3]
Will Oldham has been up to something pretty interesting.

A-FRAMES - Eva Braun [mp3]
A special treat for all those people in the Shank defending Ann Coulter and the Bell Curve and Confederate Flags. You know, the ones who blogsearch for those keywords everyday (or ones like "Comments KKK" and come to blogs they've never visited before to spew their illogical and illformed rhetoric based on hate (I like to call them "trolls"). The ones scratching their heads right now wondering why this list of MP3s came up in their Googling.
Found on PopSheep.

LIARS - The Other Side of Mt. Heart Attack [mp3]
For some reason, I keep  mixing up the Liars with Black Dice.
Found on Gorilla Vs. Bear.

HALL & OATES - You Make My Dreams [mp3]
Just for kicks. MP3 quality is crap though.
Found on Gorilla Vs. Bear.

----------------------------------------------
What's up Baltimore? You make noise? Then convert that noise to MP3s that you then post on a non-Myspace website? Send me the link. If it's my thing, I'll run it.
----------------------------------------------

If the Shank was a print publication, this would be the free CD that comes with it each week. Most of these MP3s (and WAY more) can be found by going through the "LINKS" section on the left, but what the hell...

Click on the song to play, or just right click on the song title, and save.

PLEASE NOTE: The MP3s listed here will not be available indefinitely. So if a file is missing, that's why.

ShankTV: Get On In It

BALTIMORE - GET IN ON IT
Okay, so we know that Baltimore has kept the tradition of its terrible city motto ("The City That Reads," "The Greatest City In America") by coming up with the new gold-rushy "Get In On It." Ugh. (Why not just go back to the old "Charm City" and leave it at that?)

One thing we never get to see as a city is how our city is being promoted in other markets where we're trying to attract residents and visitors (like maybe DC or Philly). Not through any great conspiracy of course, simply because it wouldn't make much sense to run ads for Baltimore IN Baltimore.

So the link above is to the "Baltimore - Get In On It" commercial our well-paid city promoters have come up with to market us.

If I lived in another city and saw this commercial, the main impression I would have of Baltimore is, "damn, they sure don't know how to dance."

I'd also most likely think, "What a suck-ass tourist trap" (which downtown/The Inner Harbor totally is) as the scenes are only set in the Inner Harbor, Camden Yards, Mt. Vernon, Ft. Meade and the B&O Railroad Museum.

Come on, really? Is that all there is in Baltimore to Get In On? I thought we were "a city of neighborhoods?"

Whatev. More wasted money. More fools making us look like idiots.

Overheard: Big Lesbian

HOT FOR HER SIZE
by Eric Anger

SETTING: The Avenue
PLAYER: Guy on a cell phone

CELL PHONE GUY: She's hot. She's the hottest 170 lb girl you'll ever see.
[Pause]
But she's a lesbian in denial.

----------------------------------------------------
Email your Overheards (using this format) to: MobtownshankATatomicbooksDOTcom

Immigrant Song

THINGS DONE BY FAMILY
by Hannah Feldman

Things Done by Members of My Family Who Came Here Illegally, and by Their Descendants:

1. While serving as a medic in the Army during WWII, rescued two wounded soldiers from a live mine field.
2. Served honorably on a battleship in the Pacific during WWII, despite the fact that his family back home in the States was being persecuted for "looking like Japs."
3. Piloted a combat chopper during Vietnam.
4. For more than 20 years, and despite the fact that he could make three times as much money if he moved to a city, has provided medical care to an underserved rural community in Alaska.
5. Served as a police officer for 30 years without having to draw his gun once.
6. Waged a successful two-person campaign to force their condominium complex to accept its first non-white residents.
7. On two separate occasions, rescued people presumed dead.

Things Done by Members of My Family Who Came Here Legally, and by Their Descendants:

1. Went AWOL from the Navy.
2. Member of the Ku Klux Klan.
3. Robbed a bank.
4. Used his own sister to cover his poker debt.
5. Robbed a bank (different family member).
6. Knocked up his high-school girlfriend, dropped out of school, and abandoned girlfriend and kid.
7. Went down to the train tracks with a bottle of whiskey; drank it.

Things Done by Members of My Family Who Were Not Able to Find a Way Into This Country, Legally or Illegally:

1. Died.

Student Body: Trivia

STUDENT BODY TRIVIA
by Neil Tobias
(send answers to The MobTown Shank)

1. Where does Neil go?

2. Who does he see?

3. What Baltimore band is amazing (hint: think "numbers and letters")?

4. What fast food slogan should never be used (and if you were to use it, it would be to express incredulity)?

 

------------------------------------------------------
My name is Neil Tobias. This column is all about playing in a rock band and LIFTING WEIGHTS!! I also have Hepatitis C . I am new in town so please excuse me if I don't pronounce all your counties correctly. I will always however PRONOUNCE THE TRUTH CORRECTLY!

American Standard: Bear v. Joggers

BEAR BEATDOWN
by Benn Ray

The other day we were driving back from the market, and we saw this woman jogging.

Well, jogging is sort of being generous in describing what she looked like. More accurately, she looked not unlike what I imagine a zombie in a 100 yard dash would look like.

Most people, whether you're the dude in the short shorts, the guy who doesn't wear the shirt, the chick with the dead arms, or our zombie sprinter here, simply do not look good jogging. In fact, from where I sit (and I sit a lot), jogging looks pretty ridiculous.

Then I realized, perhaps, the main reason jogging looks pretty dumb is that it is so obviously pointless. We are the top of the food chain around these parts, so the chances that you'll really ever need to run are pretty minimal.

And don't give me that cardiovascular crap either. If that's what people were after, they'd ride bikes so they don't damage their knees, feet or backs.

So, to help joggers, my initial thought was that perhaps we could introduce bears and or some sort of large cat (tigers, lions, etc.) into the food chain here. We could do it on a trial basis on a small neighborhood, say Roland Park or Charles Village, and see how it takes.

The idea is that with wild bears or tigers roaming our streets, no one would look dumb jogging, because everyone would be doing it for survival. Purpose reduces the silly.

The benefit is that it, if at any point a bear could come after you, everyone who jogged would be able to run away from it. The drawback, unfortunately, would be it would cost us quite a few cats, dogs, and people unable to, for whatever reason to run. Oh, and most likely some small children.

I don't see too many community associations being progressive enough to get behind my plan of using live animals, so I retooled the program.

The best way to handle this would be the BEAR V. JOGGERS CLUB.

For a nominal introductory fee, say $75 (a small price to pay to actually look cool while jogging), you can join up. You will also need to give me your daily routine, work and home address, etc.

This money will be used by me to buy a bear costume; as you can see, a decent bear costume isn't cheap.

What will then happen is this: at some point I may put on the bear costume and jump out of nowhere when you least expect it and attack you (or maybe I never will). Since you've been jogging all this time, and I haven't, you could easily escape me as I try to chase you down. Just like a real bear.

However, if you've been slacking on the jogging, and I do catch you, I will tackle and pummel you. Family, friends, co-workers will then see you get your ass beat by a 6' 5", 250lb. bear (or in this instance, a guy in a bear costume). I can attack at any time. This will keep you jogging.

But how does it make you look cool, you wonder? Because you'll be jogging with purpose, to avoid a bear beatdown. You'll know it, and you'll look cooler.

And maybe we'll have t-shirts for you to wear that says, "Bear V Joggers Club," so that people know you're running for a reason, and then they too won't think you look silly.

Interested parties should email me.

Question O' The Week: Purposes?

WHY DID GOD PUT YOU ON THIS EARTH?

*********************************************************
We'll announce each week a winner for the best response (in the email version of the Shank), and what you've won, but you won't know until you've won it.
*********************************************************

E-mail your responses to mobtownshankATatomicbooksDOTcom Please note: E-mailed esponses will be compiled and printed only in the email edition of the Shank. To subscribe, email the address above and say, "I want me a piece of that Shank. If you do not want to subscribe to the Shank, post your replies here.

Madam 8-Ball Horoscope: BS OR IBS

by Madam 8-Ball

IS IT IBS?

AQUARIUS: Cannot predict now.
PISCES: As I see it, yes.
ARIES: Very doubtful.
TAURUS: Yes, definitely.
GEMINI: Very doubtful.
CANCER: Concentrate and ask again.
LEO: Very doubtful.
VIRGO: It is decidedly so.
LIBRA: My reply is no.
SCORPIO: Ask again later.
SAGITTARIUS: Reply hazy, try again.
CAPRICORN: As I see it, yes.

Shank TV: To Catch A Pervert

YouTube link submitted by Nikc Miller

VIDEO JIHAD PRIZE WINNER
A film competition held at the Creative Alliance recently.

TO CATCH A PERVERT was the winning film: