NEIL MEETS NEIL
by Neil Tobias
HEY, SHOMOS!!!
I just touched the mail-bag and this popped out:
Dear Neil,
You are AMAZING!!! I think you are interesting,and the GREATEST COLUMNIST IN BALTIMORE!! You are a lot like that band Glass Tiger--you are fierce like a tiger, but also delicate like glass...AND YOU FUCKING ROCK!!! I think you are tremendously creative and interesting. I enjoy the words that you put together in order to make sentences and convey ideas. I extremely enjoy the style of writing that you employ in order to get the words into a cohesive structure that reflects your inner soul.
Sincerely,
NEIL TOBIAS
I DID IT!!!!! ONCE AGAIN I AM A PIONEER IN CREATIVE WRITING!!! I AM THE FIRST AND ONLY COLUMNIST TO WRITE A LETTER TO HIMSELF!!! NOBODY DOES THIS!!!! THIS IS JUST ANOTHER WAY I HAVE DISCOVERED TO THWART EXISTING STRUCTURES AND PROVE HOW INNOVATIVE AND AMAZING I AM!!! THIS IS AWESOME JUST LIKE "REVERSE BUDDHISM" OR REMEMBER WHEN I FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE SAYING THE WORD "GAY" SAFE??!?! I DID THAT FOR YOU!!! I LIBERATED THAT WORD AND GAVE IT WINGS SO IT COULD FLY INTO YOUR MOUTH AND BOUNCE ON YOUR CHIN!!!!
WHY DO NONE OF YOU DO THINGS LIKE ME?!?!?!? WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON IN MARYLAND WHO IS BOTH SMART, COOL AND TALENTED!!!?????
WHO AMONG YOU THINKS THAT I AM NOT TALENTED?!?!? TELL ME WHO YOU ARE AND TELL ME WHO IS BETTER THAN ME AND I WILL PROVE TO YOU THAT I AM MORE TALENTED THAN BOTH THEM AND YOU!!!!! PLEASE!!!!! I HAVE TO KNOW WHO THINKS I AM NOT TALENTED SO I CAN MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER BY PRONOUNCING THE TRUTH!! THE TRUTH IS MY FIST AND I WILL SHOW EMPHASIS ON THE SYLLABLE THAT IS YOUR FACE!! I WILL WRITE THE TRUTH ACROSS YOUR FACE LIKE BRAILLE!!! YOU WILL READ IT EVERYNIGHT BEFORE YOU GO TO BED AND EVENTUALLY IT WILL FADE AWAY, AND YOU WILL REMEMBER, BUT THAT WILL FADE AS WELL AND THEN YOU WILL FORGET AND YOU WILL BE LAME UNTIL I WRITE SOMETHING ON YOUR FACE AGAIN!!!! MY FISTS ARE EDIFYING, BEE-OTCH!!!
(New tagline I am trying out!!)
One does not inhabit Catonsville; one inhabits a language. That is our Catonsville, FUCKER!!!
Later, asses.
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My name is Neil Tobias. This column is all about playing in a
rock band and LIFTING WEIGHTS!! I also have Hepatitis C . I am new in
town so please excuse me if I don't pronounce all your counties
correctly. I will always however PRONOUNCE THE TRUTH CORRECTLY!
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