by Steve Messick
Cursing is something near and dear to every culture. There are many similarities that we as humans share: did you know that accusations of sex with a donkey is almost worldwide? Japan, (Lord of Donkey Balls), Swahili culture (you get fucked by a donkey), Armenia, (son of a donkey), and pretty much everywhere in between? Well, now you do!
But which culture is the most caustic - the one most likely to leave lingering psychological and emotional damage?
Sadly, the US takes a back seat. Sure "douchebag" and "motherfucker" are short and effective, however, the latter is straight-up taken from the Greeks (who probably stole it from someone else), and the former is typical in the sexual organ discharge department.
Other standard themes include bestiality, incest, fecal-related statements/requests and oral sex.
I think the UN should take up an initiative to bring up the stature of felatio/cunnilingus. With so much tension and war in the world, the last thing we need is denigration of one of the few universal things that chills people out. For example, when have the two sentences, "I just received oral gratification. I am now going to kill somebody" ever been seriously uttered?
Ah, but back to the standings. The Saudi Arabians (and adjoining countries) seem to have an aversion to penetration. Namely, a dick entering you is about the worst thing to have happen to you, other than getting hit by shoes. Most of these are pretty routine (dick in your ass/mouth, yada yada) and do nothing to disavow folks of assuming this area has a disconcerting misogynist mentality. "I put my dick in your rib cage," however, does have the special blind anger and malevolence that puts them in the running.
You would think the Chinese would be better at cursing, but you'd be mistaken. "Fuck you and your past 18 generations" does go way beyond the "your mama" and although quite encompassing, does add that hint of specificity. "No, I won't say fuck all your ancestors, just the last 18." Nice. But they do lose points for their use of the "You wear a green hat" and "Your mama was a big turtle" as insults.
I like the imagery of Iceland's "Hop up your own ass," but it's all downhill from there, with phrases like "grandfather fucker" and "uncle fucker." I'm assuming this specifically refers to someone having sex with that relative and not a general disapproval of these family members having sex in general. "Hi Sis! Congratulations on your new baby girl and for now making it socially unacceptable for me to have physical intimacy"
The Spanish have a disturbing predilection with feces and dairy products: "I shit in the milk" and "Suck the butter from my ass." These are fine statements of contempt, but I'll think twice before I ever buy any more Iberian cheese.
The African continent has a couple of fine entries. First there's "Suck on my hemorrhoids and pray for better days." I like the insult thinly disguised as helpful advice. Second is "May your fingers become fish hooks and your balls itch." The imagery? Priceless.
As a region, I don't think anyone competes quite like the Balkan peninsula. Don't believe me?
First the Greeks, who have already brought us so much, continue to contribute with, "You'd bite the nipples off your own mother."
The Albanians have "May you get fucked by a blind bear." I'm uncertain if penetration by other physically challenged members of the ursine family carry the same stigma.
Serbia has "May you fuck a hedgehog," which ranks just for weirdness alone.
Romania wows with "Stick your hand up your ass and jerk off with shit." "Brush your teeth, my dick will be inspecting soon," is a nice combination of oral sex and oral hygiene advice.
But what really wins it for the region is the Bulgarians "Your mother blows bears in the forest" (again with the bears). This really stings because, apparently, not only does the insultee's mom orally gratify bears, but she has to go to them to do it. It's a nice combination of the bestiality/oral sex/your mama themes. But there's also "Let a hungry, long-haired Carpathian she-wolf blow your dick." However, I'm unsure if one is ostracized less if it's a short-haired wolf from another region. Regardless, as an insult, it's impressive in length, detail, and bile.
The country that takes the gold however, is Armenia with "Graze on my ass hair" and "Let the rats ejaculate on you." This implies that one is not just slutty enough to be in a circle jerk, but so slutty as to engage in one with a different species. If words could hurt you, Armenia would be a super power.
Well, that about wraps it up. Disagree with me? Make your own list, but please no name-calling, I'm sensitive.
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