by Patrick Storck
Patrick is a writer of comics, plays, and other high-paying things. He is co-creator of Expert of Nothing, a comedy game show that will be discussing film (specifically the Oscars) Jan 25th at the Windup Space.
BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS - BIRDMAN
There were bigger battles, higher polygon counts, and way more money spent to give us 3D Mandelbrot sets of fire and chrome. BIRDMAN, while getting accolades for the performances (deservedly) was a technical achievement in part because the effects did something special and less common - enable the story. Impossibly long shots past mirrors that should’ve shown cameras, seamless transitions through locations that could not have physically handled the gear, placement in general that traditional methods wouldn’t allow. The use of these camera tricks to hide, not show off, the production of a character piece was Hitchcock inspired beyond the easy ROPE comparisons. That more isn’t made of the effects is a testament to their success.
BEST MID-80S THROWBACK - GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY
Plenty has been said already about what a blast James Gunn’s space epic is. I mainly want to note some of the reasons it connected with the kid in me who spent so many weekends seeing anything that came out, often more than a few times if turnover was slow out at Golden Ring Mall. First off, it was weird. From an era of cyborg cops, making a superpowered girlfriend out of a toy doll, using a corpse to secure a vacation home, surf-culture time travellers trying pass a presentation so they can save the world, or a ghost who busts the living, we got something weird on a steady basis, something new. After so much same-old, a talking tree, a raccoon with a machine gun, intergalactic collectors, universe destroying gems, it was unlike anything on screens in so long, and it relished it. Yes, it’s based loosely on established material, but a lot of people put a lot of trust and money into letting someone from the fringe play with big toys and make the biggest cult movie I can remember. Add a soundtrack that was an album worth owning on its own, but even more so from perfect usage in the film, plenty of detail for the rewatchers, and plenty of solid one liners for a perfect summer ride, a straightforward mission to simply entertain us for two hours. Also, it featured the far too rare “All is lost, we’re screwed, but I’m not giving up. Who’s with me?” speech. I’m a sucker for them, every time.
BEST MOVIE TO BE APPRECIATED IN A FEW YEARS - JOHN WICK
There were some cool movies this year, more than usual. Many almost immediately got the “underappreciated” tag, like EDGE OF TOMORROW. That one is definitely a lot of fun, but is already well regarded by the folks who should’ve probably seen it in theater. JOHN WICK is a tougher sell. Keanu hasn’t always had the best choices in roles. Mostly his rom-com stuff, but for every MATRIX there’s a JOHNNY MNEMONIC. Hell, that one’s name could be enough bad memory to skip another JOHN title. So maybe mentioning Ian McShane, Willem Dafoe, Michael Nyqvist, Dean Winters, John Leguizamo, and WIRE alums Lance Reddick and Clarke Peters will help. No? Fine. It’s an action movie anyway. Well, a half hour of tragedy and sould searching, but - where are you going? At around the 30 minute mark you will have every reason for John Wick to kill everyone who gets in his way. It can’t be a revenge movie if we don’t thirst for it with our here, and holy hell we do. The rest of the movie is almost like a video game on a set track, no major twists or surprises, just watching elaborately staged, beautifully shot, gun fu adventure. While not on the same grand scale, if you like old school John Woo, DREDD, or THE RAID, you’ll probably own this soon enough and be trying to convince your friends to borrow it.
BEST ARGUMENT AGAINST DIALOGUE - DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
Tree-swinging battles. Apes on horseback with machine guns. Apes driving tanks and blowing up San Francisco in an amazingly long single tracking shot. Emotive sign language motion capture dialogue that is the new pinnacle of the technology and what it’s capable of uses could be. This movie is beautiful. A visual feast, an interesting chapter in the long running (save for that alt-universe hiccup) APES franchise. The apes themselves are typically the real fascination, but that was no reason to let dialogue rewrites go to the guy who scripted LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD and the TOTAL RECALL remake. Just about every word out of someone’s mouth sounded like a placeholder for actual dialogue. Blatant exposition, expression of simple emotions, or generic instructions. You know, real people talk. Reading it as subtitles as apes learning more complex language express it visually is layered. Hearing actors say it out loud makes you side against humanity.
BEST COMEBACK - BIG EYES
I don’t specifically mean the movie itself, which while better than the last few Burton flicks, not nearly as good as the early stuff. I just mean it was good to see him back on real sets dealing with actors and performances. After way too many overblown effects extravaganzas it was good to see him reconnect with any sort of humanity and emotion instead of leaving the heavy lifting to a post house. It was a smaller, more intimate affair, and it felt like he was connected in a way that gives me hope he still has some wonder and whimsy, and another great one in him somewhere.
And some short ones!
BEST EXPLODING PAYPHONE - MUPPET’S MOST WANTED
Among other explosions.
BEST TITLE TO MAKE YOU THINK YOU’VE ALREADY SEE THE MOVIE - INTO THE STORM
Was that the Clooney boat one? Or that Sandra Bullock one with Affleck? No, wait, SyFy channel about the plane and… I know it’s not the musical, because that has Depp being Burton-movie since he didn’t need him this time… Let’s just see GUARDIANS again. I remember liking that.
BEST LESSON LEARNED - Never wait too long to make a sequel to a movie based on Frank Miller’s comics. You were probably just lucky in the first place.
BEST THING ABOUT THE ROBOCOP REMAKE - It probably won’t get a sequel.
BEST USE OF ME AS A PATRON IN A CHINESE RESTAURANT - CALLGIRL OF CTHULHU
The rest of the movie was awesome as well.
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