Mobtown Shank

Student Body: Charlie's Girl

by Neil Tobias

That's right--Charles Manson's girlfriend is hot. Anybody that has a problem with it can take it up with Grey Wolf.

Spring break, bitches.

Student Body: Shamed By Nerds

by Neil Tobias

I'd like to apologize for the last Student Body. I was upset about the incident at the party (i.e. when those three nerds humiliated me for not being familiar with Domino Recording Company Artist " Real Estate.")

When i was made to feel humiliated by those three nerds, i felt devalued and demeaned, which led to feelings of anger--anger fueled further by subsequent feelings of guilt. The experience of continual shame from others (i.e. people that read the Shank, people that like Wes Anderson movies, etc.) has led to my feelings of worthlessness and the belief that i don't deserve pleasure or the right to be happy. My capacity for joy has been mocked, slapped, insulted and humiliated out of me by people who like Sun Kil Moon and eat at Artifact.

Therefore, i've developed a deep shame about my imperfections, and have developed a self-image of inferiority, incompetence, and ugliness. My shame is a response set, and the source of continual guilt which expresses itself thru anger.

The upside is that the weather for the week is looking great!! It's going to be in the 60s! And the Shank calendar is chock full of some wonderful opportunities!!!

"300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE" THE BALTIMORE SUN IS COOL!!! CHARLES MANSON'S GIRLFRIEND (Star) IS HOT AS SHIT!!!!! MAROON 5 HAS 30 MILLION FACEBOOK LIKES!!!

Spring Break forever.

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Student Body: The Shank Ruins Lives

Student Body: The Shank Ruins Lives

by Neil Tobias

Well, I'd like to thank Benn and the Shank for fucking up the only good thing that has happened to me in the last 6 years. My girlfriend read the last Shank and knows that I told everybody I don't have a girlfriend, AND that I still do steroids. She also wasn't thrilled about all that "spring break" bullshit.

I only did that shit because I know the people who read the Shank think they are better than me because they like Obamacare, and listen to Sun Kil Moon, and don't have hepatitis C and believe in equality and shit.

I'm tired of trying to pretend that I'm into all that stupid shit.

I was at a dumb-ass party in Baltimore last week and some nerd asked me if I was into Real Estate. I told him that I own my house and him and his little, scrawny-ass buddies all snickered at me. Apparently, there is a band called Real Estate and their recent album "Atlas" got an 8.8 in Pitchfork. They did this in front of my girlfriend. So now let me ask you Shank readers: who is the big jerk?

I'm TIRED of acting like I listen to Sun Kil Moon. I'm TIRED of pretending I love the legalization of weed, when I still have to buy steroids like a fucking criminal. I'm TIRED of trying to pretend that City Paper being bought by the Baltimore Sun is a big deal and pretending that I understand the ramifications.

I'm FUCKING EXHAUSTED!!! FUCK REAL ESTATE (the band) FUCK SUN KIL MOON AND FUCK OBAMA CARE AND WHATEVER DUMB-ASS SHIT YOU ARE ALL INTO!!!!

And if I ever see you three nerds (you know who you are) that humiliated me in front of my girlfriend with that Real Estate question, I'm going to fuck you up!! YOU KNEW THAT I DIDN'T KNOW WHO REAL ESTATE WAS AND YOU NERDS DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO BUCK 22 WAS BECAUSE THERE IS TOO MUCH FUCKING MUSIC AVAILABLE NOW AND I FUCKING HATE IT!!!

THE SHANK SUCKS! THE BALTIMORE SUN RULES!! SUN KIL MOON SUUUUUUUUUCCKSSS!! LEGALIZE MEDICINAL STEROIDS!!!

Spring Break forever.

Student Body: The Siege of Sebastopol

by Neil Tobias

First of all I'd like to thank Benn for truncating that last Student Body. I had food poisoning.

Also, I'd like to apologize for a few errors in the last Student Body, and clarify a few things. I typed it on my iPhone, and it surreptitiously autocorrected a few things which made the whole thing a little confusing:

-the siege of Sebastopol was conducted from a forest of guns 200 miles away (not 100)
-I do not have a girlfriend
-I still do steroids.

SPRANG BREAK!!!! SPRANG BREAK FOREVA!!!!!! EVERYTIME I TRY TO FLY...I FALL WITHOUT MY WINGS!!! YEAH!! CLASSIC STUDENT BODY, BITCHES!!! ALL CAPS!!! IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS THEN AXE SOMEBODY, BITCH!!

Spring Break Forever!

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Student Body: Enlightened

Student Body: Enlightened

by Neil Tobias

Hey Folks!

Been awhile! First of all, thanks so much to Benn Ray for reaching out and taking an interest in where I've been and what I've been doing. I appreciated the email.

Second of all, I'd like to apologize to anybody I may have offended or hurt when I was a regular contributor to the Shank. The last several years have certainly been enlightening ... and humbling.

In talking to Benn recently I must admit how embarrassed I was when he asked specific questions such as: "Are you still banging sluts?", "How is your body" and other embarrassing questions about what, in retrospect, seems like a pretty vain and shallow existence.

Well, Benn:
- My body building was out of control and misinformed. I now pretty much just exercise 4 times a week which consists of 15 minutes of stretching and 30 minutes of cardio. My main concern is a healthy diet. Any promotion I did of steroids or any sort of protein other than what is naturally found in meat, vegetable or legumes was misguided.

- I am happy to report that I have been in a monogamous, six year relationship with a young woman who is currently studying for the bar exam and hopes to eventually work in labor law.

From the world of darkness I did loose demons and devils in the power of scorpions to torment. 7 rings of Saturn which is something like the state of the air supposing the siege of Sebastopol conducted from a forest of guns 100 miles one way, and 30,000 miles the other, and the shot never to stop, but go spinning away round a circle, radius 170,000 miles.

[Ed Note: Neil's "column" goes on for another 3 pages like the paragraph above. I thought it best to truncate it here.]

Student Body: Neil Returns, Two If By Sea Quits

by Neil Tobias

So I'm to assume that Neil Tobias will be continuing his J.D. Salinger-esque silence, even with the final Two if by Sea show looming in a few scant days?
-Josh

Neil Tobias worked hard to make that show happen. As you watch that show, please remember--the nausea is not inside you, but rather, you are inside of it.

When life gives you lemons, curl the fuck out of them until your arms beg you to stop. Then when life gets really bad, you will say to yourself "Remember that time I curled the fuck out of those lemons? Nothing can hurt worse than that." It doesn't matter what happens after that.

So let me ask you something, bro. You ready for some lemons? Let me hear you say, "Yes, life."

Later, asses.

ED NOTE: Two If By Sea will be playing their final show at the Ottobar tonight.

CHARM CITY ROLLER GIRLS PRESENT: THE ENDLESS SUMMER FESTIVAL
Featuring: TWO IF BY SEA, THE ORANGES BAND, SNOWMEN, SCARY RIVER, more
1PM-8PM (outside). 8PM. $10. All ages. Ottobar. Remington, Baltimore.
2549 N. Howard Street 

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My name is Neil Tobias. This column is all about playing in a rock band and LIFTING WEIGHTS!! I also have Hepatitis C . I am new in town so please excuse me if I don't pronounce all your counties correctly. I will always however PRONOUNCE THE TRUTH CORRECTLY!

Student Body: What Neil Can Teach You

by Neil Tobias

HEY SHOMOS!!
Man, the holidays were SOOOOOO rad, brah. Totally sweet times, brah. I like getting presents. It's SOOOOOOOOOO cool. I just addressed the holidays.

A lot of people don't like to work out because it "hurts" or is "painful." Does this mean you should not work out?

WAIT!!!!  I CAN ALREADY TELL THAT THIS IS GOING TO SUCK SO I AM GOING TO STOP!!!

PLEASE LEARN FROM ME, EVERYBODY IN BANDS!!! 

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My name is Neil Tobias. This column is all about playing in a rock band and LIFTING WEIGHTS!! I also have Hepatitis C . I am new in town so please excuse me if I don't pronounce all your counties correctly. I will always however PRONOUNCE THE TRUTH CORRECTLY!

Student Body: Tobias In Full Effect

by Neil Tobias

HEY SHOMOS!!
I’M BACK, ASSES!! IF YOU’VE BEEN TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME THEN IT’S TIME TO TELL ME!!!

I stared at myself in the mirror today for ONE HOUR!!!! It took about two hours to talk my boner down—I had to think about Jason Dove in order to become limp and REGAIN MY FLACIDITY!!! THANKS, BRAH!!!!

So as I stared into the mirror I realized a few things:
1) I am an extremely handsome man
2) I wish I could build more muscle in my face
3) My capacity for self-consciousness is a profound feature of being a human being, BUT IT HAS THE DISTRACTING SIDE-EFFECT OF OBSCURING THE FLOWING TEMPORAL REALITY OF CONSCIOUSNESS!!!!!! MY ESSENTIAL DEPTH IS FLUCTUATING AND FLOWING RATHER THAN STATIC AND AVAILABLE FOR OBSERVATION!!! WTF??!?!?LOL!!!! :-p!!!

MATHEMATICAL THINKING IS A STYLE OF SYMBOLIC THINKING WHICH PROVIDES ONLY A RELATIVE KNOWLEDGE!!!

NEIL TOBIAS’ GREATNESS IS NOT RELATIVE!!! IT IS ABSOLUTE AND UNIVERSAL!!! IT CAN NOT BE OBSERVED OR MEASURED BY SCIENCE OR MATHEMATICS!! Relative knowledge of Neil Tobias is achieved by standing outside of him and making observations that are contingent on the viewpoint taken or the symbols used. Absolute knowledge of Neil Tobias requires an intuitive knowledge—an understanding in which one is transported to the interior of Neil Tobias in order to coincide with that which is unique and inexpressible about Neil Tobias. THIS MEANS YOU HAVE TO ENTER NEIL TOBIAS!!! ARE YOU READY TO ENTER NEIL TOBIAS AND KNOW HIS ABSOLUTE GREATNESS?!?!!?? Or for you Shank readers: IS YOU READY?!?!?!?!

ENTER NEIL TOBIAS AND LET HIM ENTER YOU, AND TOGETHER WE WILL BEGIN A NEW CHAPTER AND CREATE A FANTASY WORLD OF DRAGONS AND TROUSER SNAKES, AND GNOMES THAT WILL ASK US RIDDLES IN ORDER TO CROSS THE BRIDGE INTO NEIL TOBIAS’ PANTS!!!!

NEIL TOBIAS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU AND I AM ESPECIALLY TALKING TO ALL OF YOU WHO JUST DISCOVERED COCAINE!!!!! COKEHEADS ARE CLICHÉ AND AS AN ARTIST YOU SHOULD CONSTANTLY BE STRUGGLING AGAINST CLICHES!!! DO LESS COCAINE AND MORE CARDIO!!!

PLEASE ALL OF YOU: QUIT YOUR BANDS AND TRY TO HELP PEOPLE!!! ALL OF THE “TALENT” YOU WASTE ON BEING CLICHÉ COULD BE USED TO BUILD A HOUSE FOR A HOMELESS MINORITY FAMILY!!! VOLUNTEERING IS NOT CLICHÉ!!! JUST BECAUSE JOY DIVISION DIDN’T VOLUNTEER, IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU CAN’T THINK FOR YOURSELF. IT WOULD BE SOOOOOOOOOOOOO “PUNK ROCK, BRAH!!!!” YOU CAN EVEN MAKE A LOGO AND A T-SHIRT FOR YOUR VOLUNTEER GROUP, BUT BE PREPARED TO NOT GET ANY ASS!!!!

Chicks are not that into volunteers--they aren’t dangerous enough. SO IF YOU WANT TO DO COCAINE THEN AT LEAST START A NEIGHBORHOOD GARDEN!!! PUT THAT ENERGY TO USE AND MAYBE GET LAID!!! You can be like “Hey, hottie. Want to get drunk and do the neighborhood watch with me and the boys? Then we are going to get our swerve on at a coke party at the home of a fatherless kid that we are ‘big brothering’.” THAT IS TRULY PUNK ROCK, YOU UGLY WANNABE ROCK STARS!!!!!

FYI: WHEN I SAY VOLUNTEER, I’M MAINLY TALKING ABOUT VOLUNTEERING FOR THE “ASS ARMY”, BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO GO TO THE LO-FI SOCIAL CLUB AND RECRUIT THAT ASS, ASS!!!!! ASS ARMY IS STILL SMOOTH UP IN YA!!!

Later, Asses.

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My name is Neil Tobias. This column is all about playing in a rock band and LIFTING WEIGHTS!! I also have Hepatitis C . I am new in town so please excuse me if I don't pronounce all your counties correctly. I will always however PRONOUNCE THE TRUTH CORRECTLY!

Student Body: Ass Army On The March

by Neil Tobias

HEY SHOMOS!!!
NEIL TOBIAS WENT TO THE CHARLES LAST FRIDAY TO SEE 89 GATOR MILE, AND NEIL TOBIAS LIKEY!!!

I GIVE THE MOVIE 4 OUT OF 5 BONERS!!!!

PEOPLE WERE SO SIKED TO SEE NEIL TOBIAS THAT THEY WERE POPPING OUT OF THEIR PANTS!!!

I THINK I MAY HAVE RECRUITED SOME MEMBERS TO THE ASS ARMY!!!

I DIDN’T FORGET YOU, MARMADUKE FLUTE SQUAD!!! I AM TRYING TO GET MY PANTS TOGETHER!!!!

CAN I DIG IT?!?! I HAVE A SHOVEL AND AM DIGGING EVERY WORD!!!

NOBODY CAN STOP THE ASS ARMY!!!!

IF YOU HATE ME, THEN WHY DO YOU THINK ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME, GERALD!!!!

Later, Asses.

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My name is Neil Tobias. This column is all about playing in a rock band and LIFTING WEIGHTS!! I also have Hepatitis C . I am new in town so please excuse me if I don't pronounce all your counties correctly. I will always however PRONOUNCE THE TRUTH CORRECTLY!

Student Body: Opening For Locals

by Neil Tobias

HEY SHOMOS!!!
I'm trying to get the "Ass Army" off the ground and need to hook up with some people who can make a decent t-shirt. I also need officers and someone who can pick up chicks without a lot of hassle.

I've gotten some mixed feedback as far as continuing to critique Two If By Sea. As an inspiring journalist, I am having a serious ethical dilema and am not sure what to do. In many ways, I want to talk about my body more. I haven't really said much in the last couple months about my work outs, and I don't want to give details, but let's just say that if a member of Two if by Sea saw my abs he would try to drink them (and then start a fight he would never win).

I also want to get more serious about Stab Patrol and start playing more. I realize that I need to get more "politically minded" if I am going to play more in Baltimore and I NEED to start kissing the ass of bands that I don't like, but nonetheless could hook me up with Clutch gigs (by "Clutch" I mean possibly opening for the band Clutch).

So I would like to start a clean slate and begin opening for some decent local bands. I want to start by sending an open letter to all local bands:

Dear Local Band,
I saw you guys the other night and you had a great set!! You guys are tight as hell!! We are currently looking to set up some concerts and we don't want to put forth the effort of setting them up, so we are hoping that the next time you set up a concert you could ask Stab Patrol to play with you. You guys have a great sound and I think it would make for a great bill. I can bring one hundred fans to the concert, unless something else is happening in town that night and then I will blame it on that.

Thanks, my new favorite band,
Stab Patrol

Cross your fingers, Stab Patol fans. WE ARE READY TO MAKE THIS PARTY LEGENDARY... EVEN IN OUR OWN PANTS!! STAB PATROL WILL MAKE THIS TOWN FAMOUS AND PEOPLE FROM NEW YORK WILL FINALLY STOP LAUGHING AT US!!!!! I WILL MAKE BROOKLYN, BALTIMORE JUST LIKE BROOKLYN, NEW YORK EXCEPT WITHOUT THE CULTURE, ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE OR RETAIL OPTIONS.

I LOVE MY BAND AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF THAT MAKES ME EGOTISTICAL!!! STAB PATROL IS TRUE "BODY ROCK" AND NOBODY IN BALTIMORE DOES BODY ROCK!!! NOBODY IN THIS COUNTRY DOES BODY ROCK (except for "Lux") AND WE WANT TO MAKE BALTIMORE KNOWN AS "BODYMORE" AND WE WANT TO MAKE BODY ROCK THE NEW SOUND FOR THE CHILDREN!!! IT'S MUSIC ABOUT ROCKING HARD AND BEING ROCK HARD!!! ABOUT TRAINING AS HARD AS YOU PRACTICE AND PRACTICING AS HARD AS YOU TRAIN!!!!

GO RAVENS!!!!!!!!!!CCCCCAAAWWW!!! CAAAAAAAAAAWWWW!!!! STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAB PATROOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!

Later, Asses.

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My name is Neil Tobias. This column is all about playing in a rock band and LIFTING WEIGHTS!! I also have Hepatitis C . I am new in town so please excuse me if I don't pronounce all your counties correctly. I will always however PRONOUNCE THE TRUTH CORRECTLY!